I'm just going to get some flowers, dear.
It's tulip season today and I'm so happy.
- Son of a bitch. - Come on, sweetie.
Come on, sweetie.
Come on now, sweetheart.
Go for a little ride, then you can whiz all over the city.
Come on, go for a ride.
No! Freeze!
Leg down! Leg down!
That's it. Come on.
No! You monkey-eared son of a...
You have pissed your last floor.
I'll bet you wish you were a real...
You dog-eared monkey.
This is New York. If you can make it here you can make it anywhere.
Verdell?
Where's my good doggie? Verdell?
Come here, sweetheart.
Mr. Udall?
- Have you seen Verdell? - What does he look like?
My dog. You know... My dog with the adorable face.
- Don't you know what it looks like? - You were talking about your dog.
I thought it was that colored man.
Which color was that?
Thick molasses with a broad nose.
- Perfect for smelling prison food. - Frank!
- You have got to get dressed. - Frank Sachs. Melvin Udall.
Frank shows my work, Mr. Udall. I think you know that.
As long as you keep your work zipped up, around me, -
- I don't care where you shove your show.
Are we done being neighbors?
- Let me... - No! Not worth it.
- Hope you find him. Love that dog. - You don't love anything.
One, two, three, four, five.
Hot. Hot, hot, hot.
- Where is he? - He had a thing with the dog.
- Ugly dog. - He's adorable.
My honey. Where have you been?
Look at my boy.
- I found him, Mr. Bishop. - We know you did.
Where was my baby?
In the basement garbage bin eating diaper shit.
- You earned your fun, John. - It just struck me as funny.
How did he get down there? Even if he got in the elevator...
Maybe some nice neighbor shoved him down the garbage chute.
"In the dark she had confessed and he had forgiven."
"This is what you live for, he said."
"Two heads on a pillow. All is approval."
"There is only the safety of being with each other."
"How could she find such hope in the most shameful part of her?"
- Mr. Udall! - "She was able to define love."
"Love was..."
Mr. Udall, I'd like to speak to you. Let me do this by myself.
- "Love was..." - Are you in there?
Pansy-assed stool-pusher!
Yes?
This can wait.
I found Verdell, Mr. Udall.
Well... That's a load off.
Did you... do something to him?
Do you realize that I work at home?
Do you like being interrupted when you're playing in your garden?
No, I turn the ringer off on my phone.
- And put a piece of cardboard... - I work all the time.
So never interrupt me!
Not if you hear the sound of a thud from my home, -
- and one week later there's a smell from a decaying human body, -
- and you have to hold a hanky to your face because of the stench.
Even then, don't come knocking.
Or if it's election night and you want to celebrate, -
- because some fudge-packer was elected the first queer president.
And he's going to have you down to Camp David, -
- and you want someone to share the moment with.
Even then, don't knock. Not on this door.
Not for any reason.
Do you get me, sweetheart?
Yes. It's not a subtle point that you are making.
Okay, then.
So, now he will think twice before messing with me.
"Love was..."
What was love?
"Love was..."
Now I'm really pissed!
Don't touch!
Shut up! You don't intimidate me with your attitude.
I grew up in hell, homeboy. My grandmother had more attitude.
Police! Doughnut-munching morons! Help me!
Assault! And you're black!
I like Simon enough to batter you unrecognizable, -
- if you verbally abuse him or touch that dog again.
Meantime... I'll think of some way that you can make it up to him.
I hate doing this! I'm an art dealer.
Have a nice day.
Party!
- Don't touch. - Get a life.
Watch it.
- Look at you. You're better. - New medication.
You know all my son's stuff? I've got a date tonight.
I'm walking out the door, he says, "I promise not to get a cough."
- Isn't that sweet? - A little blond angel.
I said, "You love me the way you love your remote control."
That's great.
People that talk in metaphors ought to shampoo my crotch.
- Eat up! - I've got your money.
- Pay me next week. - I owe you and I told you today.
Excuse me, Melvin.
There you go.
Pardon me. Take the money.
- Take a cab home and get ready. - Ready is not my problem.
- I'm starving. - You're not allowed back here.
Spence is more excited about it than I am.
Sometimes, these kids, you just want to...
- I've got jews at my table. - It's not your table.
You can sit at someone else's station.
Or you can wait your turn.
How much more have you got to eat?
Appetites aren't as big as your noses, huh?
That's it!
Let's go.
He's barred for life.
- They left. - Yeah, what do you know?
Bryan says, if you ever act like this again you are barred for life.
I'm going to miss the excitement.
Three eggs, over easy.
- Sausage, bacon, fries. - Fries today?
A short stack. Coffee with cream and sweetener.
You'll die soon, with that diet.
We're all gonna die. You and I are, and it sounds like your son will.
If you ever mention my son again...
...you will never be able to eat here again. Do you understand?
Give me some sign you understand, or leave now.
Do you understand me, you crazy fuck?
Do you?
Yes...
I'll get your order.
Wear my earrings tonight.
It's just so interesting. You said it like it was nothing.
- Where's the bedroom? - This is sort of it...
I sort of sleep in here.
Don't worry about it.
What?
I don't know.
Grandma...
- Maybe you better check. - What did you think I was going to?
I'm sorry. I was hearing everything...
I put these on to give you privacy.
How was dinner?
- How was your friend? - Are you okay? Scootch over.
- Where did he take you to eat? - A nice place.
I have him...
- One more spit? - He's waiting.
Go.
- Give me a hug. - Carol.
- Carol, I have him. - She has me. Go.
Close the curtains.
No! He can't take smoke.
Magic.
God! That'll teach you. I don't even notice it any more.
Come here.
- It's a little bit of throw-up. - "Little bit of throw-up"?
What shall we do?
Shall I write down which train you take, or should we lay...
No. I'll take a cab.
It's just a little too much reality for a Friday night.
I promised Simon I'd find him a model.
Take me off the speaker. These are house seats.
Come on. You could use a break. Hello? Carl? You there?
Okay. I just found a model.
- Hey, boys! - I know this guy.
What's going on?
- Hi. Remember? - I only need one.
You picked me up some time ago.
- This is for a portrait. - Portrait?
Come here. I'll give you the address.
- Brad Pitt. It's the shit. - Do you read?
Who is it, baby?
Who is it, Verdell?
I'm sorry. I told you today.
I was out in the studio and I...
It's out here.
- You have great things. - Gershwin. Great, isn't he?
I make a big deal about picking models, but Carl is so thorough.
I bet he drove you nuts checking your résumé.
This is not a nude.
Just kidding around.
So much for love.
And yet another pose.
- What is your previous experience? - I'm running out of ideas here.
- Give me some direction. - I just watch.
Until something strikes me. Do anything you think of.
Wait until I say to hold that pose, then just try to hold it.
No direction.
What I do is, I watch.
Ever watch somebody who doesn't know you're watching them?
An old woman sitting on a bus? Or kids going to school?
Somebody just waiting, and you see this flash come over them.
And you know it has nothing to do with anything external.
They're just sort of realer and more alive.
You look at someone long enough, you discover their humanity.
I know exactly what you mean.
Oh, my God... Hold it.
Look out.
Excuse me.
I got on the third line of dialogue.
And all of a sudden I blanked.
Clippity-clop. Ignores me.
- So he said to me, "Last chance." - Last chance.
- I came back in. - Here she comes to ignore me again.
I messed up the same line. But guess what?
He cast me!
Just what the world needs. Another actress.
Can't live without me?
I'm finally going to ask. What's with the plastic picnicware?
Are you afraid ours isn't clean?
- It's a judgment call. - Give yourself a pep talk.
"Must try other people's clean silverware when dining out."
- What's wrong with your son? - What do you care?
He fights to breathe. His asthma can shoot off the charts.
His immune system fails when there's trouble, so an ear infection...
- Is this bothering you? - No.
An ear infection, anything, sends him to the emergency room, -
- where I get some nine-year-old they just made a doctor.
Nice chatting.
- His name? - Spencer.
Spence.
It's okay. Go on.
Put on anything you want.
- I might be sort of done here. - All we do is work. Let's play!
- So you're practically finished? - Yeah. There is one more stage.
- Where are you going? - No place. Just to sneak a peek.
- Verdell, you want some chocolate? - He's not allowed.
Wait! I got to take off. Do you want to say goodbye?
- Yeah. He's just got to go. - Wait.
I'm going to look at the painting.
Where are you going?
Want some water? What's the matter?
You want some water?
Simon, wait!
Why are you doing this?
No, wait...
- That painting in there... - Are you cruising him?
Excuse me...
- Help me! - Come on!
Come on.
You call 911 and don't leave your name?
- Even a dumb geezer knows... - Just move on. No one was killed.
Ask him.
Don't bark at me. I didn't name you.
We will. And if he can't, we'll come back and ask you.
Hey. I come from hell. My grandma has got more attitude than you.
Go shake down a 7-11 for a day-old wiener.
There's a painting of one of the guys.
- I've been praying for him. - I'm on my way to the hospital.
- Just watch the dog for tonight. - No, no.
- I'm sorry. - Thanks.
Old bitch. Damn dog.
You're taking him!
Get out of the way!
Even the books.
Wait!
Do you want to say no to me?
I don't want to say nothing to you.
Because I've never felt this crazy. I almost want you to say no.
Thanks for looking after him.
- Hey! Where are you going? - You don't want to mess with me.
I can't take a dog. Nobody's been in here before.
Hey, Frank.
One, two, three, four...
You're dead.
We don't have no dog food here.
You'll eat what we got. What we eat.
Don't you do anything!
Where's the trust?
Never a break.
God!
We're halfway through the show and we haven't sold a painting.
No, we can't reduce the price.
- I'm in a free fall here. - We can see him.
I'll meet you in there, okay?
Thank you.
- How are you doing, great one? - I haven't looked at myself yet.
I figured I could tell from your reaction.
- That bad? - I talked to the doctor and...
It's not that bad. The doctors say you'll be your old self again.
The scars might... Oh, shit!
Jackie...
Hand me a mirror, please.
Wait. I have a smaller one.
So how are things, anyway?
- How is Verdell? - Mr. Udall... taking care of him.
- How could you? He'll hurt him. - No, I promise.
Not a chance. I own this guy. Besides, there was nobody else.
I'm always on the move and...
Trust me.
- You are certain my dog is okay? - Yes, your dog is fine.
Waiting gives the devil time.
Oh, my!
Where did I go?
- That's your dog? - No.
What are you doing with a dog?
- Suckered in, set up. - You're not worried he'll be taken?
No, not until now.
- Sorry. - I'm going to sit here.
Hey, puppy.
It's so cute.
I wonder what breed he is.
He's a little dog. If Bryan's not here, you can bring him in.
How old are you?
To guess by your eyes... 50.
By your eyes, I'd say you were kind. So much for eyes.
How old are you? You brought it up. I'm curious.
- Not that you're ugly. - I can take the compliment.
But my knees start knocking when you turn on the charm full blast.
What's with the dark?
Dawn patrol.
My son had a full-blown attack.
And for extra fun they gave us the wrong antibiotics.
No!
It's bacon for the dog.
Last week I was playing the piano for him. And he likes it.
So I decide I'm going to make a little joke.
It's a beautiful day for our walk.
Look at that dog.
I've got to give you something real good.
I'm going to show it to you.
Don't be like me.
Stay as you are. You're perfect. I'll get you something to eat.
I'd like to be treated like that.
Let's go home and do some writing.
"He had made the girl happy. And what a girl."
"You've saved my life, she said."
"You'd better make it up to me."
Done! Yes, I hate the doggie.
62 books. Done.
- We have to cut back all expenses. - He has no medical insurance?
These are the food receipts, the household expenses.
- Here's one for the dog again. - I got it.
And all the laundry.
Boy, look at that. He likes it at Chez Melvin.
What are you coming over here for? I can't cook with a dog near me.
Just sit. We don't want any company. I'll read you Emerson.
- How's Verdell doing? - He's a pain in the ass.
Simon's home. Can you keep the dog until he's had a chance to adjust?
It's been weeks and weeks. A few more won't matter.
He wants him back right away. He'll be by tomorrow.
Okay.
Hungry? Be right with you.
Mr. Udall.
Some face they left hanging on you. You look like...
Could you take it...
...just a little easy, Mr. Udall?
Thank you.
Verdell.
Come here, my beautiful boy. Come here.
Let's go home and get well.
I can't blame him for being weird. Look at yourself in the mirror.
Thank you.
Come on, sweetheart.
Verdell, come here.
I know what you want.
Where's my boy?
No, don't force him.
Over a dog!
Over an ugly dog.
Worst sidewalk in New York. Look where they put it.
- Help! - You'll make an appointment.
How can you diagnose someone as an obsessive-compulsive disorder -
- and then act like I had a choice about barging in?
- You must leave. - You said you could help me.
- What was that? A tease? - If you take responsibility...
- You changed the room around. - Two years ago.
I also grew a beard, but you're not interested in changes in me.
I don't have a mountain of time. I have to get to my restaurant.
Do you know how hard it was for me to come here?
No, we're not doing this now.
I changed just one pattern, as you always said I should.
No. Nope.
What if this is as good as it gets?
What the heck are those for?
No, no, no. Get Carol.
I'm filling in. She might be getting a job closer to home.
- Why plastic? - What are you trying to do to me?
- What do you mean? - Look, elephant girl.
Go get Carol or something. Just have her do my one meal here.
I'll pay whatever you want.
Do it!
Bryan. Code blue.
Out! Just shut up and get out.
I'll be quiet. Just let me stay here. No problem.
Go get Carol.
I'm not a prick. You are. I'm not judging.
This day has been a disaster.
- I'm not sure if I can handle this. - Get out!
Get out immediately or there's going to be trouble.
See you.
It's about time.
- Carol's last name? - Connelly.
- Does he visit often? - Not really. Not any more.
I'm hungry.
You've ruined my whole day. I haven't eaten.
- What are you doing here? - This is not a sexist thing...
Are you totally gone? This is my home.
I'm trying to keep emotion aside, even though it's important.
- I have strong feelings on this. - What?
That I wasn't there? Do you have any control over how creepy you get?
Yes, I do.
And to prove it... I have not gotten personal, and you have.
Why aren't you at work? Are you sick?
You don't look sick.
Just tired and bitter.
My son is sick.
What about your mother?
- How do you know about her? - I hear you talking while I wait.
- Mom, I finished my juice. - One sec.
How are you doing?
You should answer me.
Sorry, Melvin. I can't handle you teaching my son manners.
Back to life.
What's wrong?
Five one-thousand, four one-thousand...
- 104.9. - We're going on a cab ride.
Look out, you guys!
Look out. We're okay. We're okay.
Melvin! Wait!
Shut up, kids!
Give us a lift, would you?
Cover your mouth when you cough.
- Brooklyn Presbyterian Hospital. - Hospital?
- Any chance you'll be back today? - No! Stay away from me.
We can't put this off any longer. I feel terrible that I have to...
Could you just leave the dog for a second?
Sorry.
- What are those cards? - Frank thought I should have notes.
So I would maintain focus and not terrify you.
See? He's right. I need the cards.
SIMON, YOU'RE BROKE
The medical bills are 61,000 now. And the show didn't go well.
I spoke to your parents. They didn't hang up or anything.
But they'd feel strange calling you.
I can't call them. Come here, baby.
Come here.
Verdell? What's wrong?
You miss the tough guy? Well, here I am.
Happy to see me, you little mop? How about a ride down the chute?
I'm sorry. I didn't mean that.
I didn't mean that, sweetheart.
Sorry...
I'll be able to keep my apartment and the studio, won't I?
Oh, my God!
Yes, you make us a lot of money. But it's more appropriate...
I need this. Just say, "Melvin, I'll try."
- Melvin, I'll try. - Thank you.
My son just got accepted to Brown. My husband was dying.
Good, nice, thrilled, exciting. You don't have to wait with me.
I can't resist. I just have so many questions I want to ask you.
You have no idea what your work means to me.
What does it mean to you?
That somebody out there knows what it's like to be in here.
God, this is like a nightmare.
Come on. Just a couple of questions.
- How do you write women so well? - I think of a man.
And I take away reason and accountability.
- Mom! - In here, Mrs. Connelly.
- Please, what? - I'm...
- Tell me! - Dr. Bettes.
- Not your name. Where is he? - He's in the bathroom.
What's wrong? You know there are doctors that come to your house?
I'm home.
I didn't know you had an admirer. Oh, you met the gift.
He's good. I'm an expert on doctors.
Okay, doctor?
My wife is Melvin Udall's publisher.
I'm to take care of this little guy because you are needed at work.
- What kind of work do you do? - I'm a waitress.
- In Manhattan. - Dr. Bettes?
Excuse me.
- I'm sorry it took so long. - I couldn't find it, either.
Could you get this to the lab? I want it back today.
- Did you say "today"? - Yes. Let's sit down.
These are the receipts from all the prescriptions for the year.
- The calendar. - This is a calendar of days.
- And how he felt. - Good.
- How long has he had the problem? - Since forever. Six months old.
Have they done blood tests?
- When he was well? - No.
- And how about skin testing? - No.
- No standard scratch test? - No.
They said my plan didn't cover it. Why? Should they have?
Fucking HMO bastard pieces of shit!
- I'm sorry. - That's their technical name.
Once the tests come back, is there someone we should talk to?
Me. My home number is on the card.
His home number.
- What? - Your home...
- Can we get you anything else? - No, thank you.
Couple of female slaves?
There's still a lot of tests I need to do.
Whatever I find out, I promise you, -
- from now on your son is going to feel a great deal better.
Doc!
That's good.
Let me know about the costs. One way or another we'll...
The costs are going to be considerable.
But Mr. Udall wants to be billed.
That's wonderful.
Thank you for everything, Nora.
Forgive my crankiness. I'll call when things get back on track.
- What's wrong? - Who's going to walk Verdell?
No!
- Is he dead yet? - No.
Would there be any way you would be willing to walk his dog for him?
- Absolutely. - You're a wonderful man.
Two o'clock would be a good time. Here is the key in case he's asleep.
Open his curtains for him so he can see God's beautiful work.
And he'll know that even things like this happen for the best.
Did you learn to talk like this in a "Sailor, wanna hump-hump"-bar?
Or is this your last shot at his whisky?
Sell crazy someplace else. We're all stocked up here.
No! A goofy man is behind this. You can't block out that man.
Do you really want to go back to emergency, where they can't help?
This lets a crazy man into our lives.
You know how this will turn out.
This is not like a string of pearls. You don't send this one back.
Right?
No. I do, I understand. Listen. I have to go, okay?
FRIENDS TO ASK FOR MONEY
Bye.
Bye-bye.
What a day...
Maybe I'll bring him some food by.
Thank you for walking him.
- Excuse me, I'm not feeling well. - This place smells like shit.
Go away.
- This cleaning lady doesn't? - Please, just leave.
- What happened to your friends? - Get out of here!
There's nothing worse than having to feel this way in front of you.
Nellie. Your a disgrace to depression.
- Rot in hell, Melvin. - No need to stop being a lady.
You'll be back on your knees in no time.
Is this fun for you?
It keeps getting better and better. I'm losing my apartment, Melvin.
Frank wants me to beg my parents, who haven't called me, for help.
And I won't.
I don't want to paint any more.
The life I was trying for, is over.
The life I had is gone and I'm feeling sorry for myself.
It's high times for you, isn't it? The gay neighbor is terrified.
Terrified!
I was trying to give you a boost.
Lucky you. You're here for rock bottom.
You absolute horror of a human being.
The one thing I'll do for you might cheer you up.
Get out.
You want to know why the dog prefers me? It's not affection.
It's a trick.
I keep bacon in my pocket.
See?
We'll both call him. You'll see. It's a trick.
Come here, Verdell.
Come on.
Come here.
Just a stupid dog.
Could you leave now? Please?
I don't get it.