Oh, what a tangled web we weave When first we practice to deceive.
That's Bill Shakespeare. He knew it 500 years ago.
The art of deception has created wars, destroyed kingdoms...
... brought down the world's greatest empires.
And it was a crude web of lies that I wove that led to my downfall.
See that guy there? That's me, Johnny Grand.
Not so long ago, I had it all.
Big house in the suburbs, beautiful wife, plenty of dough.
The American dream.
And this is the story of how I lost it all.
Meet my friend Carlos, ex-client, another jailbird.
Only this one has just flown the coop with a little help from yours truly.
I went to law school with the right intentions...
... but I got lost somewhere along the line.
Felonious Spinks, friend of Carlos.
Sometimes lover, sometimes whipping boy.
Plays her almost as well as he plays the saxophone.
This is my wife, Jane. She likes it on top.
Always has to be in control.
Always did.
Johnny.
Earth to Johnny.
What? What did you say? What?
We were making love and you just drifted off in your own world again.
- Who are you fantasizing about? - Concentrating, trying not to come.
I want you inside me.
This is my best friend, Bill.
Bill fucked up. He trusted me.
Come on, honey, I don't want to be late again.
I haven't even put on my goddamn makeup yet.
Can't you put it on in the car?
I don't want to be Mr. and Mrs. Tardy.
All right, you know what? Don't start with me.
Jesus Christ.
This is Olivia, my ex-girlfriend and the love of my life.
Next week she's marrying Bill.
What are you doing? Let me go.
Let go.
What the hell was that?
I want a kid.
- I don't. - Too bad, I'm ovulating.
You said you were on the pill.
I lied.
Did you just baby-rape me?
Meet Gigi LaRush, exotic dancer. Very gifted.
I plea-bargained my way...
... out of her third solicitation offense by setting the judge up with a hooker.
Gigi owes me.
Goddamn sink.
Right now, Gigi's biggest problem is her plumbing.
But by midnight it'll be murder.
This is Enrique. He thinks God is on his side.
He kidnaps young girls, sells them for profit.
A long time ago he left Carlos for dead.
His past will catch up to him before the night is through.
And this is my father, dear old Dad.
A master of deception and a tower of corruption.
He's the perfect Republican.
He doesn't know it yet, but he's in for a fall.
The boat leaves in the morning.
Bring me another one tonight.
Just like the last one.
A cheerleader.
Nice and young.
A teenybopper.
Introducing Tammy Snow.
All she wants is to follow her dreams.
These are the players, this is the night...
... of the grand tragedy that changed my life.
And this is how it all began.
Who were you thinking about?
When?
When we were making love and you were lost in some world.
- Who were you fantasizing about? - I told you...
...I wasn't fantasizing, I was concentrating.
You fantasize about other women, you said so.
Yeah, all men do that, that's not the point.
I'd hope I'd be enough.
Don't take it personally, none of us are.
What was the point of getting married?
Marriage serves a perfectly useful and reasonable sociological function.
Well, that's romantic.
It's necessary, what separates us from the animals.
You're troubled, do you know that?
You need to take one of those mood medications or something.
Why do you always invalidate my point by suggesting I'm unbalanced?
- Well, aren't you? - Who isn't unbalanced?
You're not the poster child for mental health yourself.
Oh, so now I'm crazy.
See, manipulation. I'm damned if I do, I'm damned if I don't.
That's how you work, how women work.
- Hello? - Manny.
- Hey. - Hey.
- It's Mr. Grand. - Hey, Mr. Grand, good to talk to you.
Good to talk to you too.
Remember that conversation we had last week?
- About the lamb? - That's right.
- Oh, yeah. - You score for me tonight...
...you got a thousand big ones coming your way.
- A thousand? - That's right, a grand.
- No problem? - No, no problem.
That's what I like to hear.
- Okay. - Okey-doke.
Yeah, no problem, bye.
Yes, dear.
I know what time it is.
And this is my mother.
The day she filed for divorce, she fell down the stairs.
- Dad claims it was an accident. - Till death do us part.
Well, now, that should just about do it.
What seems to be the trouble?
Well, now, from what I could deduce of the situation...
...your drainage system was entangled with a prophylactic.
The good news is that your sink was never the problem.
Here it was with your garbage disposal all along. And this...
This little fellow right here.
Why, he was gumming up all the works.
Listen, Jim...
...l'm a little low on cash right now. Is there anything I can get...
...anything I can do for you?
I could use a glass of milk.
I don't have milk, just cream for coffee.
That'd be just dandy.
- A coffee? - No, just the cream, thanks.
- Just a glass of cream? - Oh, boy, that'd be just dandy.
Hey, sk8er boy.
Webcam's still out, huh?
You said we were gonna hang on Thursday, and then you never called.
What's the matter? Mommy and Daddy won't let you out to play?
- Tonight? Okay, you're on. - You little cutie-pie.
You'd better be there. Hope you're as good as you sound.
- You know downtown? - Like the back of my litter box.
You are a bad little kitty.
I live just east of the convention center...
...at 8th Street and...
Goddamn useless piece of shit.
How's your cream, Jim?
- Yummy. - You know, Jim...
...l'm running a little late for work tonight, so maybe...
...just this once we could take a rain check?
I know what you do for work.
You don't exactly have to "clock in."
I'm real sorry, but I don't take rain checks.
I expect full payment upon completion of each and every job I do.
And you know that.
Yeah, I know.
I'm sorry, it was wrong of me to ask.
What would you like?
A spit and a polish would do the trick.
Okay.
Yes, baby. Thattagirl.
Get in the car, Carnelito, you're driving.
Where's the girl?
I thought you said you were getting me laid tonight.
Hold your horses, she's in the trunk.
- In the trunk? - In the trunk.
Well, is she hot?
She's a real animal.
What are you doing?
- What do you mean? - Fucking rush me...
...telling me how late we are...
...and you let that guy in front like we had all the time in the world.
Jesus, what difference does one car make?
Oh, that is what everyone says, Bill.
I mean, one car turns into another car, and another, and another.
- That's not what this is about. - What is it about, Bill?
Johnny and Jane.
You don't wanna go.
I am having... I'm having a hard time dealing with them right now.
What? Why? Wha... I don't get it.
What, what? You just suddenly outgrown them?
Yeah, kind of like Puff the Dragon, and little Jackie Paper, you know?
It's just time to move on.
What the fuck was that about?
That jerk almost took off the front end of our car.
Well, then, don't shout at me, it is not my fault.
I'm not shouting at you!
I'm just frustrated.
Then don't let him get away with it, you know?
God, do something about it.
- Like what? - I don't know, something. Anything.
God. Give him the finger. Tell him to fuck off.
Broadside him, whatever. Just don't do nothing.
Come on, you fucking wetbacks! You fucking lowlife losers!
Come on! Hey.
You trying to get us killed?
Have you ever heard of road rage?
The guy could have a gun.
You are always so careful. Just so fucking predictable.
I mean, what in the hell are you so angry about?
I don't know.
You know, I wish you'd figure it out.
Because we're getting married next week...
...and I don't want to spend the rest of my life defending myself.
Wait, we can't fulfill each other's every need. We marry who we marry.
Most people don't change.
Men and women will never truly understand each other.
We can try to make the best of it.
We can't possibly be everything to each other...
...all the time. - Hence your desire for other women.
That's not my desire.
That's just the man in me. That's the nature of being a man.
What exactly is that? Do tell.
I'm just saying that I can't change my animal desires. You understand?
That's the point I'm trying to get across.
Good point. I'm gonna get off this roller coaster.
I have potato salad to make.
Yo, Carlos, what's up, baby?
Your man is home, and he gots presents for you.
You getting all clean and fresh for Daddy, aren't you?
You got everything we need?
Yeah, I got the hot dogs, the beer, the T-shirt, the jeans.
I even stopped over there at Trashy Lancey's Lingerie on Flower...
...and picked up some of the finest finery fit for a ho.
You're the pimp.
- I know, baby. - You got the weapons?
I got everything in the trunk. What's up with Enrique?
First of the month, tonight's the night.
Tonight? Man, you done had my ass running all day.
All right, I know how to do this. I'm gonna take me a nap.
Get up off your lazy black ass. It is D-day.
Hey, man, look. Do not be bitch-slapping me like that.
You want a fucking life, huh? You want the bling-bling?
You know it's not even about that. We've had this conversation before.
I know you running the show, and you got the booty...
...but don't ever treat me like some lackey-ass nigger along for the ride.
- I treat you like a nigger? - You call me "nigger" all the time.
Your black friends call each other nigger. "Hey, nigger."
Don't bring my friends into this.
That's our culture and that's our way of relating.
- You know that. - That's called Ebonics, man. Right?
You need to check yourself.
Somebody's going to get hurt and it ain't gonna be me.
- You going to hurt me, bitch? - Oh, now I'm your bitch, huh?
- Yeah, you're my bitch. - All right, I'm a show you a bitch.
- What's wrong? - I can't, Kip.
Well, sure you can.
Stop.
I know I can, but I don't want to.
If you loved me, you'd do it with me.
If you loved me...
...I mean if you really loved me in your heart of hearts, you'd wait.
You wouldn't push me.
Push you? We've been going out for almost three weeks.
I already gave you more time than other boys at school would've.
I mean, we're gonna be seniors next year.
- I know. - We're moving into adulthood. It's time.
Are you saying I should just do it?
You know, "it," because it's time?
- God tells you when it's time. - Now, what are you talking about?
Take puberty, for example. That's what God does to our bodies...
...so we know we're ready.
- God did it to us? - Yes, in a manner of speaking.
If God made us, then he must have designed us.
A girl can have her period, she can have babies.
And once a boy can pop his rock, he's got all the ammunition he needs.
Can I have that smoke?
It just figures that...
...if God wanted us to wait until we were grown to have sex...
...then he would have made us that way.
I want to make something of myself, Kip.
God, I know it sounds crazy...
...but I feel like I'm special somehow, you know.
And I don't want to go getting pregnant...
...before I get the chance to follow my dreams.
I don't want to ruin your dreams.
I just want us to feel good.
Better get your hands off her, boy.
Mr. Snow, it ain't what it looks like. I was helping her with her...
I know what you were helping her with.
Get on down here, little girl.
Hey, I'm not a little girl anymore, Daddy.
Get your ass down here now!
Hurry up.
I hope you're proud of yourself.
Smoking cigarettes and slutting it up, right here under my own roof.
Hey, I ain't no slut.
- You, I'm going to kick your ass. - Daddy, leave him alone.
You dirty little dog. Get ready.
- Daddy, stop. - This is it. I've had enough of you.
Goddamn it. Yeah, you'd better run, you little turd.
About to get the ass-whipping of your life, boy.
Kip! Kip! Kip!
Daddy!
Get back here, little girl.
Get...
- Hey. Come in. - Hi, hi.
- How you doing? - Good, good.
- Hi. Yeah. - Yeah.
Hey, so where's Johnny?
Surprise!
Surprise, honey.
I've missed you.
- Yeah, me too. - Oh, I'm so happy for you.
You are gonna make such a beautiful bride.
Hey, wake up, buddy. You're signing your death certificate.
The end of sex. The end of freedom. It's all downhill from here.
You should know. After all, you know everything.
You're catching on. Does this mean it's all over between us?
Stop, all right? Get your breath off my face.
You need to tame your beast.
- Bill, my man. - Yeah?
You are one lucky lady. You got yourself a keeper right here.
Oh, I love you so much.
We gotta get out of here. Are we ready to go?
- This estrogen's gonna kill me. - Where you guys going?
Boys' night out. Bachelor party, you know...
- Bachelor party? I told you... - Surprise.
I told you I don't want a bachelor party.
Now, Bill, you can't go against tradition.
This is your last opportunity to enter that free world with your balls intact.
Well, thank you very much. My balls will always be intact.
We took a lot of time to make sure that you two had a night...
...that you would never forget. So stick with the program.
Besides, we have plans of our own that don't include you.
- What plans? - Bye.
You're pussing out on me, Bill. Don't puss out on me.
We've been through a lot together. This is a big night.
I just don't want to disgrace the whole point of the celebration.
- Being what? - Our marriage.
What is the matter with you?
I seem to recall at Phil's bachelor party...
...you were wrangling a dime out of a stripper's ass with your canine teeth.
That doesn't count.
You know how I used to get when I got wasted.
- You were the life of the fucking party. - You know what? That wasn't me.
That was the booze, the blow. That was before I got married.
- You're not married. - Engaged. You know what I mean.
I don't know what you mean. That's the point of this thing.
We're celebrating the last of your singledom.
I will guarantee the girls know how to have a send-off.
They make us out to be the animals, but they want it worse than we do.
Indiscriminate seed, it's in their biology.
I saw something on Animal Planet about that.
They go into heat like dogs.
- Like bitches, right? - That's right, Phil.
It's a proven theory, accepted in the majority of scientific circles.
Men want sex, women need the seed. And if you can't keep...
...the high, hard one coming, she's going to be looking elsewhere.
- Well, I got no problems there. - Yeah, you're a regular stud, are you?
Olivia and I make love every night, no matter what.
Bullshit, you do not. Give me a fucking break.
No couple makes love every night.
You got a better chance to win the lottery...
...and get struck by lightning on your way to cash the ticket.
Hate to burst your cynical bubble, Johnny, but, yes, we do.
Olivia and I make love every night.
- What about when you're fighting? - Doesn't matter.
What about if she's got a cold or she's got a bronchial infection?
At the first sign of a sniffle, I cut Jane off from all physical contact.
I don't catch cooties to prove I love her. I'm sensitive enough...
...not to bump uglies when she's sick.
You always do this.
You jump all over one trivial thing and just run it into the ground.
It's what I do, I'm a litigator.
- I'm just going to turn around. - Wait, you can't go back.
Why not?
The girls are back there, and they got it going on.
What are they doing?
That is one funky-ass, psychedelic sunset.
You should see the sunsets in Cuba.
You remember Cuba?
You never forget your first sunset.
So how'd you...? How'd you get out of there?
How'd you get out of Cuba?
My mother. She sold her sex on the streets of Havana...
...to get money to send me and my aunts to the States.
She said she would come, but she never did.
And then we came to Miami, and we meet a man.
Enrique.
And he take us here.
He was a bad man.
Made us promises, made a whore of my aunt...
... and when he tried to do it to me, I escaped.
And he found me. And him and Spence...
... they did bad things to me.
That's what all this firepower's for?
Wait, you said something about some money.
You said we were going to be breaking the bank tonight.
We are. Enrique and his brother, they're the ones with the money.
It's a full moon.
And the full moon brings out the lunatics.
Lunatics!
My Yankee Doodle Dandy.
Who is it?
Mr. Grand, it's me, Manny.
Oh, Manny.
Come in.
What the hell is that?
It's a surprise.
- Ta-da. - Ta-da what?
It's a lamb.
It's a sheep. You want to tell me what it's doing in my apartment?
You told me to bring you a lamb.
That was a metaphor.
What's a metaphor?
A comparison not using "like" or "as."
By "lamb" I meant "girl."
A young girl.
It's just that... You showed me that movie. I figured...
I mean, you said people get off on... What you call it?
Bestiality?
Yeah. Exactly. So we brought the lamb.
So you want me to film you having your way with it?
Not me. Julio here's gonna do it.
So you want me to pay you to film your one-eyed friend...
...fornicating with a dead sheep.
Necrophilia meets bestiality.
She ain't dead, she's sleeping.
Watch.
- Get back here, you wooly bitch. - Hey. Watch the table.
Get that thing out of here.
Get him out of here! Get that thing out of my apartment.
Watch the... Watch the table.
- Goddamn it. Goddamn. Stop it! - Get him, Julio.
Get him out of here, goddamn it. Grab him!
- Yes. Yeah. - Hit it.
Clean hit. No blood. She's sleeping like a baby.
And when she comes to, she'll be easy as pie.
We just prop her up and Julio buries the meat puppet.
What the fuck?
So what? What does it matter if it's a he or a she?
I ain't no homo.
You would fuck a girl sheep, but not a boy sheep.
- I would not fuck a boy. - But you would fuck a sheep.
Gentlemen, could you please curb your language?
My lovely wife is right there, and she may seem out of it...
...but believe me, she doesn't miss a fucking thing.
Manny, could you come here a second?
Would you tell your one-eyed friend to wait in the car?
Look, Julio, why don't you go on down and wait in the car?
Oh, and, Julio, take the sheep with you.
Sit down, Manny.
Now, Manny...
...I like you.
You have imagination.
But if we are going to work together, it is imperative that you understand...
...the delicate balance of supply and demand.
Eighty percent of the population like the kind of things...
...that they find on the Playboy Channel.
Sexy, sometimes even a little rough, but always romantic.
There's about another 15 to 17 percent that like the nasty shit.
S&M, bondage, role-playing, strap-ons.
They like it somewhat sick, but they like it done tastefully.
The other three to five percent, the clientele that I cater to...
...they want a rush.
They want it illegal, they want it nastier than nasty.
This audience is comprised mostly of men, as you might have guessed.
Men who have their primal roots firmly in hand.
But even they, God bless their pagan souls, have their limits.
No sheep?
No man wants to watch another man fuck a sheep.
- This is something I'd never realized. - I'm not surprised.
And what do you think my clientele would like to see upon that screen?
- A beautiful woman? - No, Manny.
A girl. A beautiful girl.
Like Hollywood, right?
They make all that sick shit with them teen bitches...
...because that's what sells.
That's right, Manny. We're talking box office here.
Oh, now, that's what I'm talking about, baby.
Oh, shut up.
Why don't you put the toilet seat down, huh?
Don't start with that shit. Why don't you ever put it up?
Every time I go to take a piss, the toilet seat is down.
- And? - Why should I put it down for you...
...when you don't have the decency to put it up for me?
R-E-S-P-E-C-T.
That's why you open the door. I am woman, hear me roar.
Yeah, yeah, well, check this out, woman...
...if each one of us took responsibility for our own shit...
...we'd be better off.
- You got everything? - I am locked and loaded, baby.
All right, come here.
Hey, Courtney, three Cuervo.
Check out those hooters.
Oh, damn, that right there... That's the good shit, right there.
- That's silicone. - Silicone?
Silicone, that stands up like good soldiers.
No, that was a crime when they outlawed that.
- Tits? - No, the silicone...
...the good stuff, the hard shit.
You know, the saline? The saline sucks.
Saline is like a baggie full of water, you know?
I could buy a goldfish if I wanted that.
I never thought about it like that.
- Well, what do you think about, Phil? - Killing Cindy. Where I'd bury her body.
- Other stuff. - All right.
I don't know why a woman would do that to her body.
- What don't you understand? - It's gotta hurt.
- Maybe she wants bigger tits. - Yeah, is it the... He gets it.
I think you're on to something.
Or maybe she's a victim of media-driven propaganda.
Maybe she thinks unless she has huge tits she's not going to be good enough.
- Some aesthetic they can't live up to... - "Blah, blah, blah, victim..."
Listen, you know, she's got fake tits. You've got money.
You think that that puts you in control?
End of the night, she goes home with the tits and the money.
What do you go home with? Him.
Look at her. Look at her.
You see those tits? You think those are tits?
No, that's not tits. Meal ticket. Meal ticket.
The bigger the tits, the better the prospects.
You get rid of those hooters, what is she?
- Hooter-less? - Yes, exactly, she's hooter-less.
Would you go to a place called Hooter-less? No.
If they have a good buffet, it could be popular.
I am so wasted. I gotta... We gotta go. I'm wasted.
Why are we following the little dog...
...when the big dog has all the money in the safe?
The little dog's got keys to the big dog's apartment.
- Big dog's got big guns. - That makes sense.
- So where is he going? - The cash drop-off at the bus station.
- We gonna do him at the station? - Come on.
- You think I put on this outfit for you? - Yeah, doll, you know.
Come on, come on, business before pleasure, let's go.
It's not easy at a time like this to put into words what it means to me...
...to have the privilege of knowing you.
To know that there will always be someone there...
...no matter how tough times are.
Someone you can share your deepest, most intimate feelings...
...fantasies, your disappointments, your deepest desires.
Someone you could trust with your life.
Someone like Olivia.
To my best friend.
Cheers.
Hey, boozie, let's get a chilidog.
Is he all right? Are you all right?
- You wanna pull over? - I am seriously fucked up right now.
Here. How about a pick-me-up?
You really are the fucking devil, you know that?
Let's just say we run in the same crowd.
Attaboy, Billy.
Just like riding a bicycle.
Fuck.
- Why are we stopping? - Food.
Soak up the alcohol before we take you back. Come on, Phil.
- I'm gonna stay here. - You don't want food?
- Yeah, I'll take some. - Come on, I'm not carrying it myself.
Hey. Hey, you can't leave the car started here.
Hey, you can't...
Can I do something for you?
That's funny. I was just about to ask you the same thing.
Well, can you tell me what the fuck you're doing in my car?
Surprise. You've won a trip for two to the sleazy motel of your choice.
- What the fuck are you talking about? - I bought her for you.
You can do whatever you want to her. Right, sweetheart?
Anything your little heart desires.
- I can't do that. I'm practically married. - You're not.
Now, will you go easy on yourself? Go out and have some fun?
- Hey. - Taxi.
- Where the fuck are you guys going? - Have fun.
I'm too wasted for this bullshit.
Everything is going to be just fine.
Is that a lamb, or is that a lamb?
That looks like a very unhappy little lamb.
- Maybe she's lost. - Maybe she's lonely.
Maybe she wants to be a star. Come on, flip a U-ey.
- What? - Flip a U-ey, ése, a U-ey.
Hey, are you okay?
- I'm fine. - You don't look so fine.
I'm just a little upset, I guess.
Hey, are you a model?
What?
You know, one of those girls in the magazines.
No, not really. Not yet, I guess.
Hey, I happen to have a friend. He's a bigtime photographer.
He's always looking for new talent, you know?
- Fresh faces. - Really?
Yeah, he's hot. As a matter of fact, he's looking for models right now.
And I think you'd be just right.
Wow, that would be amazing.
Do you have an address...
...where we could send you some information?
Not right now. I ran away.
Well, I could just walk you over there, see what he thinks.
Well, it's just that I don't really know y'all.
And I mean, I'm sure you're fine and everything, you seem real nice.
- But I kind of... - I ain't gonna bite you or nothing.
What have you got to lose? You could be the next Cindy Caulfield.
Who knows?
Okay, all right. Why not, right?
- Hey, you want a date? - Not interested.
- You don't like the way I look, huh? - Fuck off.
Or what? You a faggot, huh? What? You don't think I'm sexy enough?
Pretty enough? Or young enough?
I can get them young for you, real young.
- How young? - Oh, you like the babies, huh?
That's right. I got a boss who likes them young.
His name Enrique? Your boss, Enrique.
- You know my boss? - In the biblical way.
- Yeah, right. - Yeah.
He gangbanged me with a couple of his friends.
You know what? You look like one of those guys.
I don't know what kind of game it is that you're playing, huh?
But you better walk real fast before I put a bullet in your head.
Keep walking, bitch.
I'm walking. I'm walking. Look, I'm walking.
Drop your piece, motherfucker.
- Okay. Okay. - Yeah.
Fuck.
You fucking, stupid-ass nigger.
- Hey, driver, pull over at the corner. - Whoa, where you going?
I got business to take care of.
If you're gonna pick up your wife don't mention anything about...
Whoa, what are you thinking? I'm going home.
I gots me a date with Miss May.
Here you go. Take him home, keep the change.
Oh, thank you very much, very kind.
Forward ho.
Oh, God, I can't understand anything.
God, please.
That was not my cocaine.
I don't know her, I was... I was just giving her a ride.
You gotta believe me.
Shut up. 2-Sam-4-3 requesting backup.
It's my bachelor party. Haven't you ever had a bachelor party?
You have to listen to me, I can explain this.
Officer, please, this is going to ruin me.
I'm getting married next week.
Officer, please?
What are you going to do now, puta?
What the...?
Oh, Jesus.
Holy shit.
That hooker has a gun.
- What are you doing? - This hooker's got a gun.
- Let's go. - You can't take a cop's gun.
Shut up, let's go.
Shit, she's coming after us.
What are you doing?
Shit, go.
Passports.
I want the money tonight, Johnny. Don't disappoint me.
Yeah, I'll be there.
What happened back there? Look, I can't just keep walking.
We have to go to the police.
We gotta get off the street before that bitch tracks our asses down.
- Why would she be after us? - We're witnesses.
Don't worry, my place is just around the corner.
- No need to see your brother like that. - What the fuck happened, Joe?
I'm sorry, Sammy.
His piece is missing. IDs?
The hooker's is a fake, the john's is a match with the car.
We already got an APB out on him.
- What's his name? - Fox. William Fox.
Listen, Joey, you find out anything new...
...you make sure I'm the first to know. Got it?
Come in.
To what do we owe this honor?
I was in town doing some business, and l...
Wanted to you see your daddy?
And Mom.
She's watching TV, I'm sure she'd love to see you.
Come on.
Mother, we have a surprise for you.
You two have a chat, and I'll get you a vase for the flowers.
Hi, Mom.
I know it can't be too easy for you here.
I want you to know I'm doing everything I can to get you out of here.
Here you go.
You always did have a way with flowers.
Such an odd quality for a boy.
- Well, I'm not your average boy. - You can say that again.
If anything happens to her again, I'll kill you.
Okay.
Maybe you should say good night to Mama.
We're expecting guests. Having a little soiree.
I'll get it.
- Oh, my. - Look at that.
Looking lovely.
Olivia? There's an officer here to see you.
Are you the fiancée of William Fox?
I am.
- It's about your boyfriend. - Bill?
- Is there a problem? - Yes.
Yes, there is a problem.
Because once you go black, you never go back.
Will you hold this for me for a second?
Yeah. Sure. Why not? I'm already an outlaw.
Hurry it up, this is uncomfortable.
I can't pee with you standing there looking.
Well, I can't turn any more than this.
There's nothing you've got that I haven't seen.
Hey.
For fuck's sake!
Jesus Christ. You're not a girl.
That's a matter of opinion.
You pissed all over me.
Some people pay me for that.
- Hey, what the fuck is your problem? - What is my problem?
Let's see, I've been arrested...
...I watched a cop get murdered by some psycho bitch...
...who tried to kill me.
And to top it off I'm handcuffed to a woman...
...who's got a bigger dick than I do.
Do you have a problem with my dick?
With my dipstick? With my power tool?
- Yeah, I think that just about covers it. - My throbbing membrane?
- My soap on a rope? - Shut the fuck up...
...or I'll knock you out and drag you to the police station.
If you didn't want the banana, you shouldn't have shaken the tree.
All I did was ask for directions.
The rest was all your fault, what you did to me, you fucking freak.
Freak? It's people like you...
...who make it impossible for people like me to live in this world.
I am more man than you will ever be.
And more woman than you will ever get.
- What's up, big man? - Opposite of down.
- We got a deal? - No. He wants more. 50,000.
- Fuck that, they said 25. - I told you that was a ballpark figure.
I'm just the middleman on this one.
If you want a new life in paradise, you have to come up with the full amount.
Give me the money.
Here you go.
- Okay. - You got my passports?
Yeah.
George and Louise Jefferson, huh?
You are a fucking comic.
Congratulations, you finally got a piece of the pie.
Yeah.
Enjoy your new life in paradise.
You know, if this doesn't work, I'm taking you down with me.
Good to see you too. Glad to help.
Come on, let's go. Let's get out of here.
Good luck to you.
No, I can't do that. Just get me some ice.
- Trust me, there's nothing like a steak. - Just get me some ice.
I don't understand why you're so resistant.
It's so widely known, it's a cliché.
If you want a black eye to heal properly, you put a steak on it.
Let's just say I got a soft spot for animals.
I'll take my chances with the ice.
You really are a pussy, aren't you, Bill?
What are you, a vegetarian?
Oh, if choosing not to eat animals makes me a pussy...
...then yes, I guess I am.
You are a piece of work.
I need your phone.
- Oh, what are you doing? - I'm calling the police.
- No, you don't want to do that. - Give me the phone.
Stop. You need to face the fact that you... That we are big news.
We are involved in the murder of one of the city's finest.
If we show up downtown...
...there are gonna be reporters and photographers all over.
And your face is going to be plastered all over the papers tomorrow.
It might be in your interest...
...not to be handcuffed to a transsexual prostitute...
...with a rap sheet longer than her ding-dong.
I have a friend who lives upstairs, he's a handyman.
Once he gets these handcuffs off us...
...you get to do whatever you want.
Oh, God.
Hey, thanks for coming, you guys. Hey, I'll walk you up.
Bye.
- Bye. - Bye.
Oh, okay, honey. I'll call you, okay?
Drive safe. Bye, bye-bye. Bye.
Man, I thought they'd be back by now.
Oh, they'll be back soon. Come on, go relax.
- Well, I may just help you clean up. - No, don't worry about that.
Come on, let's just kick back for a little while.
What do you eat, Bill, since you don't eat meat?
Good God, give it a rest, will you?
Do you eat rice, do you eat broccoli, do you eat vegetables?
What exactly is it that gives you your power?
Spinach.
- Spinach? - Yes, spinach.
You know, my arms blow up, I toot my pipe.
- Then the bad guys take it up the ass. - You're talking my language.
- Why is it okay to eat spinach? - It's a plant, or a bush or something.
It's not a conscious being with a conscious life.
Then why do they move toward the sun?
It's warm and that's how they grow.
Well, but how do they do that?
These plants you gobble up with such a clear conscience...
...how do they know to do that if they have no consciousness?
Because that's how God made the earth.
They are programmed to grow, so that we have something to eat.
So we don't have to eat animals.
But animals kill other animals and don't think twice about eating them.
How does your God feel about that?
That's different, they're animals, they don't know any better.
God forgives them.
Well, if animals are so goddamn stupid and cruel, why not just eat them...
...and get rid of the useless bastards once and for all?
Why not rid the earth of every single...
...stupid, unconscious, meat-eating motherfucker...
...who doesn't have the sense to understand?
Look, I don't want to play any more of your goddamn mind games.
Is that what your God intended when he created ice, Bill?
Was it made for you and your eye and for the swelling?
- Yes, he did. - Was it for you?
God made it for me so that I could do whatever the hell I want.
So why don't you give me some fucking ice?
I'll just get it myself.
So it is foretold, the ice man cometh.
- There's no ice. Where's the ice? - There is no ice, Bill.
Do you feel let down, that your God has deserted you...
...because of your meat-eating lust for flesh? Is your God punishing you?
You fucking fruitcake.
Saved by the bell.
- Who is it? - Yo, it's Manny.
I think I got what's a new discovery for you.
Her name is Tammy.
Come in.
Two, three, four.
Marvin?
Yo, buddy.
Thanks.
Back to the same thing as you are, son.
- Want to draw straws? - Not this time, this means too much.
How are we gonna handle it, take turns?
I don't trust you Southern boys in the moonlight.
All right, let's ask it again.
Popcorn? Want some popcorn?
Hot buttery popcorn. It's good for your colon.
Want some popcorn?
- Kiss him. Kiss him. - Shut up, colonel.
Oh, Johnny, good boy. No wires.
- Holy cow. - Twenty-five thousand, it's clean.
- And how are George and Louise? - Jeffersons? They're moving on up.
You know, Johnny, I always say, money talks.
And bullshit walks.
You sure you don't want any popcorn?
So tell me, what agency are you with?
Oh, I don't have one. I'm just beginning.
Oh, well, then, I don't usually work with unsolicited talent.
Unsolicited? I don't... What is that?
Talent. Artists like yourself...
...who aren't represented by a major agency.
Oh, I didn't know. I'm sorry.
Of course, this is a non-union production...
...and if you photograph anywhere near as good as you look...
...we could always Taft-Hartley you.
Oh, yeah, that guy Taft.
He was like the president, or the pope or something.
- He certainly was. - Well, who was he? What did he do?
He made it possible for unsolicited talent like yourself...
...to override the system if an accomplished artist-slash-producer...
...like myself, is so inspired by your physical attributes...
...and the sheer electricity of you...
...that he decides to make you an immediate member of the club.
- How does that happen? - Oh, well, I've got seniority, babe.
I'm union. And when I shoot you, you'll be union.
Really? Oh, my God. Okay, what is it about me? I mean, why me?
You are beautiful. One of a kind, trust me.
- How old are you? - I'm 17.
Oh, this is freaky. This shoot is for Seventeen magazine.
- No way. - Way.
Oh, my God, that's unbelievable.
I don't believe it either. I guess it was meant to be.
Okay. I'll do it. Let's do it.
Well, then, time's a-wasting.
- Let's skedaddle. - Okay.
Your wardrobe is in the bathroom at the end of the hall.
The white lacy one at the far end will be the closest to your size.
Just go ahead and change and then we'll take some photos, okay?
- Okey-doke? Okey-doke. - Okey-doke.
So you had a little run-in with the pigs, did you?
Yeah, I guess you could say that.
What makes them think they can tell a man what he can or can't do...
...with his own dick? - It was a mistake.
- How's that? - I was just asking for directions.
- Asking who? - From her.
That's a little insensitive. "Her," and point like that. She has a name.
I'm sorry to say we haven't been properly introduced.
Well, perhaps I can be of a little service in this department.
Gigi, this is... What's your name there, Oswald?
- Bill. - Oh, well done.
- Gigi, this is Bill. Bill, Gigi. - Pleasure to meet you, Bill.
- Are you almost done yet? - Somebody's got ants in their pants.
I spent the last two hours flushing my life down the toilet.
- I think I've got to be edgy, don't you? - Don't be dragging me...
...into it there, cowboy. I am just an innocent bystander.
- Watch out for your wrist right now. - Goddamn it! You cut me, man.
Had a tetanus shot lately?
Trust me, that is the least of my problems. I'm calling the police.
You know, Jim, I've had a really rough night...
...and maybe I could just take a rain check, just this once.
Because I just wanna take a bath and rela...
All right, fine, but we're doing it at your place.
Fair enough. I don't wanna get down and dirty...
...in front of him, anyway. Got way too many hang-ups.
- No, I can't. - Come on, all the kids are doing it.
- Okay, yeah, first base, that's it. - Oh, come on, that's not fair, is it?
It's been three months since Puerto Vallarta. Come on.
I want you.
- God, I want you too. - Yeah.
- I love you. - Me too, you.
Okay. Yeah, I can't do this.
I just don't understand this.
Is this because you're engaged? Getting married?
I'm pregnant.
Yeah. And you don't even know the half of it, honey.
We gotta talk.
Hello?
- Hello. - Hello yourself.
Hi. Where's Manny?
I sent him out for some pizza. Come.
Let's paint that pretty little face of yours before he comes back.
Oh, don't worry about her. That's just my wife.
We'll have a snack later. Come.
Meddler.
Sam here. Joey? What do you got?
Scumbag called it in himself? Where are they?
Give me 30 minutes before you move on him.
Look at that mouth of yours. The perfect pout.
- Everything okay, Tammy? - I feel kind of strange.
You're probably just a little bit nervous.
Here, take a sip of your soda.
All better?
- Are you done? - Not quite yet.
There it is.
The face that launched a thousand ships. Beautiful, no?
- I look kind of, you know, sad. - And beautiful.
That's the look that sells. The tortured teen with a tender heart.
It's what they're all looking for and you've got it in spades.
- You really think so? - I really do.
Of course, the real proof of the pudding...
...will be to see how you look on film.
Okay.
- Who are you? - Police.
Wow, I didn't expect you here that quickly.
Obviously. I found this in your pocket.
Oh, yeah. That was the cop's. I took it for protection.
- From who? - That psycho bitch who killed him.
- The hooker. - The one you picked up?
No, the other one.
- So where's your hooker? - She's upstairs having sex with Jim.
He's the handyman. That's how she pays him.
- For what? - For whatever.
I mean, tonight he cut off our handcuffs with that saw.
She goes up, she blows him. I don't know.
Why do you have that steak on your head?
It's on my eye. She, he, the hooker, Gigi...
...the girl with the dick sucker-punched me.
Arrest me, take me downtown and I'll answer all the questions you want.
Hello there, Billy-boy.
Did you happen to lose a little card with your number on it?
You rocked my world tonight.
I just wanted to tell you, you've never done me like that before.
I hope you enjoyed your big gulp. Toodle-oo, kiss, kiss.
- Thanks for the loaner. - How'd it work out for you?
A little tight in the shoulders, but it was a kick.
Well, I'm glad to hear it.
- I forgot my saw. - No, don't worry. Not with him up there.
- You can get it tomorrow. - Righty-o.
- So, what's it gonna be? - How about a hot sausage and mayo?
Coming right up.
Holy cow.
You're a real fucking scumbag, aren't you?
- You cop-killing scum. - Cop-killing what?
- That was my baby brother. - I didn't kill anyone.
Okay, Tammy.
Lights, camera, bubbles, action.
Come on, Tammy, put on your dancing shoes and let's see what you got.
Up on your feet. Thattagirl. Oh, my, oh, my, oh, my.
Hold it right there. Don't move.
You're gonna be a star, I can feel it in my bones, yes, I can.
I'm gonna be a star.
- Excellent. - I'm a star.
Yes, you are a star. A real Rockette.
Perfect, yes.
You're gonna be a star, a star.
I'm so tired.
Oh, it's all right, honey.
You probably just need a little rest.
Yeah.
What?
I can't... l...
Jeez, I can't understand a word you're saying. What?
That's not funny.
That's...
All right, shut up, shut up, wha...?
You know better than... We're on a cell phone, for chrissake.
Meet me at the club. Yes, now.
Turn the car around. We're going back downtown.
- I want my money. - Isn't that fucking rich?
That's a real side-splitter. My best friend is dead because of you...
...and now I'm supposed to pay you for that?
I did my part.
I set him up, I made the phone call just like you told me to, and...
Then everything went fucking haywire.
It wasn't my fault, Johnny. I didn't plan it, you did.
To have my best friend killed? No, I don't think so.
You wanted his wife. You wanted to destroy their marriage.
You wanted to set him up. It was your stupid fucking idea.
Now give me the money.
If anybody has the right to be snippety right now, I think it's me.
It's always about you, isn't it, Johnny? What about me?
I have two dead men floating in my bathtub.
You think you got problems? How am I gonna explain that?
Yeah, well, you got something right. That's your fucking problem.
It's gonna be your fucking problem if you don't give me my money.
That's right, I will tell the cops everything.
How you enticed me, an ex-client, to do your dirty work for you.
You probably would lose your license to practice, Johnny.
Well, there you go.
There you go.
I don't ever wanna hear from you again.
Hello there, Billy-boy.
Did you happen to lose a little card with your number on it?
You rocked my world tonight.
I just wanted to tell you, you've never done me like that before.
I hope you enjoyed your big gulp. Toodle-oo, kiss, kiss.
What the fuck?
I hope you enjoyed your big gulp. Toodle-oo, kiss, kiss.
All right. Come in.
Is this the home of William Fox?
You know what?
Right, it was funny the first time and everything but...
I'm not... I just... I can't do two of you.
Excuse me? Ma'am, there must be some misunderstand...
I am not in the mood for two big black dicks...
...flying around in my face, all right? So why don't you get the fuck out?
Calm down.
Let's try this again. Is this the home of William Fox?
Do you know William Fox?
I'm... I'm his fiancée.
I think you'd better take a seat, ma'am.
We have some difficult news for you.
It's about your fiancé.
Hey, Olivia, how are you?
What?
Wait... Calm down, now. I don't understand what you're saying.
What do you mean, Bill's dead?
No, no, that... l... That can't...
Okay, just hol... Just hold on a second, all right?
Where are you?
Identify the...?
You want me to meet you where?
Can I help you, bro?
lt... It's him.
Right.
Shall we?
I know this is difficult, but just to prepare you...
...he's been electrocuted, burned, so this ain't gonna be pretty.
Is that him?
Yeah.
More or less, yeah.
Could we...? Could we just have a moment alone?
Me and you?
Me and everybody but you.
Right.
Time allotted for that.
Grieve away.
Jesus, Johnny. What the hell happened?
I came home to a message on my machine last night...
...that was clearly from a woman who he had slept with.
What, the hooker?
The hooker?
Look, we stopped to get a pizza, all right? Phil and I went inside.
Bill was fucked up so we left him in the car.
We came out, he was pulling away with what looked like a hooker.
That's just fucking great.
Yeah, a fucking hooker a week before the wedding? God.
Don't you think it's better you found out now?
Oh, Jesus, it's my fault. l... I pushed him away.
I would hardly call sleeping with him every night "pushing him away."
What are you talking about?
Bill said the two of you slept together every single night, no matter what.
I haven't had sex with Bill in three months. Not since Puerto Vallarta.
- I just couldn't. - Okay, yeah, because l...
I thought that l... I'm really glad to hear that, that's a relief.
What's a relief?
I'm just glad that Puerto Vallarta meant as much to you as it did to me.
Right, you think that because I haven't had sex with Bill since you and I...
Say it, all right? Say it. Made love.
Oh, please, Johnny, I was practically passed out.
You can't make love to somebody who isn't there.
- Well, you can at least try. - Oh, Johnny.
What is the matter with you? What about Jane?
I don't think Jane has to know.
At least until we know what the next move is.
Well, there isn't really gonna be a next move because I already told her.
What? Why would you do that?
Because I don't want to have anything to do with you anymore, Johnny.
What?
Jesus!
That girl looks like she just saw a ghost.
- He just fricking moved. - Rigor-mortal spasm.
Happens all the time.
So if that is Mr. William Fox, and you're able to speak up for him...
...l'm gonna need you to sign on the dotted line.
You going somewhere?
Yeah, Puerto Vallarta. Thought I might get a little action.
So how was your swinging cock fest?
It was good, fine.
Everything went fine.
How was the shower?
Yeah, fine. Everything was fine.
How long you going for?
That's my suitcase.
What?
That's my suitcase. It's not your suitcase. That's mine.
- Can I borrow it? - No, it's part of a set.
- I really rather you didn't. - I'll be careful with it.
I don't think I wanna take the chance.
- No, I am out of here. - Jane.
- Now, listen, okay? - Please.
Jane, listen, don't go. Look, don't go, okay?
I slipped up, I know. I was drunk, I'm sorry.
- Yeah, well, you got Olivia pregnant. - What?
So I think that qualifies as a little bit more than a slip-up.
- Olivia's pregnant? - Yeah, that's right.
Congratulations, you're gonna be a daddy.
Wait a minute. Listen, listen, Jane, Jane, listen.
Let's work this through, okay?
Let's just talk about it. You don't wanna go, you shouldn't go.
Yeah, you know what? You're right.
Okay.
You should.
Jane. Jane, come on.
It's Mr. Grand.
Your parcel is wrapped and ready to be picked up...
...and I must say, you'll be quite pleased.
It's a very pretty little package.
Pretty little package, huh?
See, like I was saying...
...this guy, Enrique, and a couple of his friends...
...they put me up in the Hilton and they had their way with me all weekend.
No? No?
Are you sorry? Oh, you're sorry?
You really scared that nigga, he gave me the right code.
Good. Bag it, let's go.
Sorry about this, brother, you know how it is.
- Go down and wait for me in the car. - We'll be out of here, baby.
Leave the cash.
Baby, this is me.
I know you running the show but this is me. You don't trust me by now?
Trust is for fools and virgins.
Now, go.
All right.
I'll see you downstairs.
So like I was saying...
...then they put me in the trunk and they took me downtown...
...and they threw me in a Dumpster...
...to die.
Can you imagine that?
I was left there, bleeding to death, to die, imagine that.
It was lucky for me the next day was trash day.
So this isn't just for me.
Do you believe in God?
I said, do you believe in God?
Well, guess what.
He does not believe in you.
Mom?
Mom, what's the matter?
Mom...
...what's going on?
Nigger this, bitch.
Meddler.
Mom?
Damn, Carlos, baby, you don't look so good.
Do you know what I was thinking today?
I was thinking that when I picked you up from jail...
...I thought maybe, just maybe, that you had learned something in there.
But you didn't.
The minute you got out, you started with your "nigger" shit.
"Nigger" this, "nigger" that. Same old shit.
But guess what, baby. This nigger is smarter than you.
That's right, because I been sitting out here waiting...
...for you to bring your ass out here so I could run you the fuck over.
One for you, two for me.
One for you, three for me.
Three for me, and none for you.
- What the fuck is that? - It's a split.
- You said we were going half and half. - That's if you nailed that sheep, dude.
I gotta go, Carlos. I'm getting all emotional.
I love you, baby.
Shit. What was that?
Gunshots, homes, from over there. Let's go check it out.
Fucking bitch.
Who's the bitch, huh?
Fuck.
Look at this shit.
Two dead people.
Look what I found.
Shit, homey. We're rich, dude.
Call for backup!
Dad. Come on, open up. I know you're in there.
Johnny, there are police all over the place out there.
- Dad, I need to talk to you. - You need a lobotomy.
- Now go away. - Open the goddamn door.
I wanna see Mom.
You march yourself right back down those stairs and surrender.
Johnny, go away.
Johnny?
Johnny. Johnny, stop it.
Johnny, Johnny, you're frightening your mother.
- You sick... - Stop it, John, no, no.
Mom, what's going on? I thought you were in trouble.
Oh, my God.
It's okay.
- What happened? - It's okay, it's all right.
- Where am I? - You're safe, you're safe.
You stay right here, all right?
I'm gonna make sure that this never happens to anyone ever again.
Daddy?
We're fucking loaded, little cousin. Now we can get us some real bitches.
- The kind you have to pay for. - We?
I found it. It's mine.
We're partners, partners in crime.
You wasn't gonna share with me, you cheated me.
- Why should I share with you? - So that's how it's gonna be.
- Finders keepers, huh? - Finders keepers.
What in the hell is wrong with you?
I do the best I can, Johnny. I'm not perfect.
You really believe that, don't you?
Okay, what do you want me to say? I screwed up?
I was a lousy dad? That isn't gonna change anything.
You're still gonna have your issues...
...and your mother isn't gonna be jitterbugging anytime soon.
- This isn't about you and me, Johnny. - Well, what is it about, Dad?
You wanna know what it's about, Johnny?
This is what it's about, Johnny.
The American dream.
The land of the free, the home of the brave, Johnny.
It's every man for himself.
You make me sick.
Stop.
Johnny.
I love you, hold on to me, boy.
I'm sorry, Dad. I'm gonna have to let you go.
Goddamn it, you hold on to me, John.
You hold on to me.
Johnny!
They say to move forward in life, you gotta let go of the past.
Well, I did, literally.
And for me, there ain't no going back.
So here I am, paying my debt to society.
They found the cash, traced the passports...
... got me on first-degree manslaughter.
But hey, I saved that little girl's life and I set my mother free...
... so for once in my life, I'm the good guy.
I guess no good deed goes unpunished.
- Hey, Johnny. - Hi, honey.
- Hi, Johnny. - Hi, Oliv.
You look great. You both look great.
Yeah, how are you?
Oh, great. Peachy.
You?
- Good, good. - Yeah, yeah, we're doing okay.
How's Mom?
She's great. Actually, she's living with us now.
- Us? - Yeah.
Olivia moved in to our house to...
You know, to help with Mom and...
Jane and l...
Well, we've decided...
We've decided to have the baby, Johnny.
Like a couple?
We're not rushing into anything.
Yeah, no, we're just taking it one day at a time.
Yeah.
What about me?
You made it clear that you didn't want to have anything to do with children...
...so I didn't think it was going to be an issue.
We don't know when you're gonna be available to participate with him.
Him? It's a boy?
Oh, well...
...it's too early to know the sex yet.
But if it is a boy, we've decided to name him Bill.
Yeah, I think that's fitting.
And if it's a girl, so far we like Java.
Java?
Yeah, Jane and Olivia.
- Java. - Java.
You do know that's a slang term for coffee?
Yes, but it's also an exotic island in Asia.
Why don't you just call her Sex on the Beach, for chrissakes?
Johnny, do you always have to be so goddamn sarcastic?
No, I just don't want my child named after a beverage.
- Oh, so now it's your child? - Well, yeah, biologically.
And I have to say, you know, I'm a little hurt here and I feel a little left out.
Seems like there's been a lot of decisions made...
...without any thought of how I might feel about it.
- You haven't really been available. - Yeah.
I don't know how much more available I can be.
I'm pretty much here, you know.
There's not really any answering machine to get messages.
Every Wednesday from 2 to 6.
You know what, Johnny? This isn't about...