[LAUGHING] Merry Christmas.
Merry Christmas, Santa.
Thank you, ma'am. Merry Christmas to you.
Oh, hello there.
I didn't see you at first.
What's that? A story?
Well, sure.
I know plenty of holiday stories may be more than anyone.
But let me see, what kind of story would you like to hear?
Nothing too sad. Don't you agree?
May be something light, funny and clean enough for the whole family.
I know one. It's good for the kiddies and us old folks.
I call it, "A Dog for Christmas."
So sit down. Turn on the fire place, get out the popcorn.
I'm gonna introduce you to "The Madisons."
And I think you're going to like them.
Not all dogs, dad. Most dogs really have clean mouths.
Even cleaner than ours.
If we still have the downtown office,
we can park in the lot, but no, Glannys decided to move the whole operation to the suburbs.
You can even teach dogs to bring you the papers.
So you never have to leave your chair, dad.
Ah, there is an empty space, here we go, here we go!
Ah, for crying out loud!
They oughta banned foreign compact cars.
Why don't you just park in the lot.
For $8? Are you crazy?
You know, the city says it's free to go ice skating. Okay.
The prices of hot chocolate, inflated twice that of market value,
and ice skating went to a fees outrageous,
and they want $8 for parking?
Not from this buckaroo.
You show 'em, Dave.
Now listen, I'm putting all the boys downstairs together in sleeping bags,
so that they can beat each other senseless, for all I care.
I swear I've never seen those boys not touching each other.
Now, who's in charge of laying out the city. That's what I like to know.
There's not a single place to park anywhere.
I put Matt and Carol in the blue room, don't mention that Carol's turning 50 this year.
She's very sensitive to that.
Oh, did you happen to know what Daryll got Anna this year for Christmas?
Last year, he got her tube socks,
So I went ahead and sent an E-mail and made sure that it doesn't happen again.
Look at this guy, he's way over the right and he's taking up two spaces.
Dave, are you listening to me?
Yeah, that's fine.
Did you know that houses with dogs are 11% less likely to be broken into?
It's a fact, I read it.
I passed this lady three times now,
and she's still going through her purse.
Back out, let somebody else park,
you can go through your purse when you get home.
[SIGHS]
I wish you'd just park the car, so we can go downtown.
Well, I'm trying to park the car.
I've been trying to park the car for half an hour now.
Just park it all ready.
Ah-ha.
What's that? You see that?
You see that Kassandra? What do you think of that?
That's great, dad.
Well, you might not think so now.
But one day, when you go to college,
you will say to yourself, I'm here because dad knew how to save a buck.
Alison, just got a dog, It's all I want for Christmas,
- and I was thinking... - Kassandra,
- we talked about this. - But I'll take care of it.
Do you see this guy?
We're not getting a dog, Kassandra. We talked about this.
A dog is a big deal.
Are you blind? I'm parking here.
Can you believe this guy?
Unbelievable.
Hey dummy, don't you see, I've my blinker on.
- What'd you call me? - You heard me.
Who cares, just let him have his spot.
Let him have the spot?
What! Oh no, look at this, he's trying to inch up.
No, you don't.
He's trying to inch back. I don't believe this.
[THUMPS] Ah, Je...
- He just hit me. - Can we?
You all saw! He just hit me.
Dave, can we please just go park in the drive.
You just caused an accident, you imbecile.
Jerry, what are you doing?
He just wanna move the car? I'll move it for him.
[THUMPING] Dave, oh, my Gosh. He's pushing hard.
We'll pull this off, Kassandra.
What are you gonna do? What are you doing!
I didn't buy this suv so that we could be pushed around.
- What happened to him? - I'm taking the bull
by the horns, and I'm protecting our territory.
[ENGINE REVVING UP]
Hang on, girls!
[BRAKING]
Oh, yes. Let's say goodbye to him too when he will close by.
Thank you butter. Thank you.
There you go. You see what perseverance does.
[SIGHS]
How exactly do you expect me to get out.
And don't even try to tell me to climb over to your side.
I can't believe you parked this close.
- What are you thinking? - Honey.
Seriously, it's embarrassing. What are you doing? Dave?
What are you doing? Let go of me!
[SCREAMING]
[GRUNTS]
[GASPING]
All right. Who's ready for ice skating?
I am.
I'm sorry. I got a little carried away.
A little?
Dave, you're like a 12 year old boy playing bumper cars at the amusement park.
You're right. You're absolutely right.
Tomorrow my brother and his family come, my sister, her husband,
your father, your brothers and kids. The house is gonna be packed.
I just want to have a nice quiet evening with my family.
Absolutely.
I'll be incident free until new years, scout's honor.
- Okay. - Okay.
Mom, can we divide rooms up by family, this year.
I'll put you and all your cousins together.
- Okay - Hey, you're hot.
I don't wanna share a room with the dad's side of the family.
Who's that guy talking to?
What's with dad's side of family?
They snore, all of 'em.
All Madisons has sinus problems, honey.
You can't help it.
Well, I'm a Madison, and I don't snore.
That's because you are a little angel. Just like mommy.
- Yeah. - Dr. Zero.
Come hang with a hero.
Who's he talking to?
Is he talking to you?
Let it go, Dave.
Hey, trying to spend Christmas here with my family, you little hoogan.
Dave, what did we just talk about?
I'm perfectly calm.
You know, may be we should get a couple of rooms in the holiday inn.
We could afford it.
What? No. I want the whole family together. For the holidays.
Nobody is going to the holiday inn.
You know what little space we have.
Little space? We live in a 3000 sq ft home.
In one of the nicest neighborhoods, in one of the richest countries in the world.
You're good, babe.
Dave, ignore it.
Ignore what? I didn't hear anything.
Mom, my ankles hurt.
Here.
Won't you and mom go across the street to Starbucks.
Get a hot chocolate.
- What about you, Dad? - No.
Gonna go stick up quick laps. Just like dad did in the old college days.
Just be careful. That was 25 years ago.
- 24 years ago. - Just be careful.
Always.
Okay, hot shot. Let's see how you like to loosen the ice.
[SLAMS] Oh, pardon me. You little jerk.
* Jingle bells, jingle bells jingle all the way *
Do you wanna play rough? I can play rough.
[SCREAMING]
[CROWD CHATTERING]
[WIND BLOWING]
[SIGHS]
[ENGINE REVVING]
- Son of a... - What's the matter?
We're struck.
Well, try rocking it.
[ENGINE REVVING UP]
You're just making the grooves deeper.
All right. You drive, I'll push.
Okay. One, two , three.
[REVVING UP]
Okay, I'm gonna use this board to wedge it under the wheel.
Give it something to grip on to.
When I say hit it, let it rip.
But, dad, there isn't any friction under the board.
When mama hits the gas pedal, it's gonna go flying.
- Okay. - But.
- Hang on, Kassandra. - But mom.
All right, let her rip.
[SCREAMS IN PAIN]
[SIGHS]
- Ah, careful. - Okay.
Well, what happened then.
Ah, just a little accident.
Another accident?
Amazing, Darwin is yet to finish the bloody full half.
Watch out.
I'll tell you, ever since he was a little boy,
That Dave was always quick to lose his temper.
[LAUGHS] Well, here we are. It's the morning of December 22nd.
The peace and quiet of the Madison family home is about to end.
And the barbarian horror relatives are about to swoop in like a level 5 tsunami.
This ought to be fun.
[SIGHS]
No, I don't like it.
Let's try moving the tree by the fire place.
[SNORING]
[SIGHS] Hmm...
Yeah, no.
You know, let's try it...
Let's try it over there.
- Okay. - Thanks.
You're the slowest driver I've ever seen.
May be you should say, thank you, Carol, for getting to my sister's safely.
Look at this guy, are seriously just gonna let him cut you off.
[SIGHS]
No, no.
You know what? Let's try moving the recliner and putting the tree in the cornor.
I think, that'll look great.
- Me too. - Okay.
It'll fall.
Out of my way, you plut. Come on.
[BREATHING]
Hmm... No.
I'll stop this car. I'll swear on everything holy, I'll stop this car
and come back there and make you walk crippled.
[GRUNTING]
Perfect.
Okay, just start the fire and we're done.
Dad!
Oh no, Dave! David!
Yeah, What?
You forgot to open the flue!
What?
You forgot to open the flue!
- Get in, go ahead. - Okay, here I go.
- Hello there. - Yeah.[SCREAMING]
- How was your travel? - Oh, awful,
I was so nervous in 20 minutes. That's the longest journey ever.
- Daryl, are you okay? - Oh, we're not hungry.
What you mean we're not hungry? You can't tell me when I'm hungry.
I don't care. I don't want you in that kitchen. They have enough to do in there.
What kind of toilet paper you got?
- Hi, nice to see you. - Hi. Nice to see you too.
Now, this is my orange soda. I brought one for everyday.
Look at my name on it, D.M, Darrell McCormick.
Okay, my name is on it.
I ain't taking off my shoes, my feet are getting cold.
I brought my printed pajamas.
I can't work for those single pie nonsense.
What kind of grown man wears printed pajamas.
I'd like to be comfortable. Okay, man.
[CROWD CHATTERING]
We've not giving empty presents.
Oh no, I'm not. Excuse me, I'm done. This isn't happening it's...
Hello Dave. Come on man, let's storm the kitchen.
Hey, do me a favor keys are in the jacket.
Go get my luggage, would you? Bagpack.
Okay. [SIGHS]
Merry Christmas, Mr. Madison.
Merry Christmas, Mrs. Madison.
So how are you Mr. Madison?
Well, I'm still alive.
Enough of this small talk. Let's turn on the T.V.
- Hey, dad. - Yeah.
Isn't it true that Santa Claus is real?
Of course he's real.
See, I told you.
I really don't think that making a batch or two of cookies is gonna hurt us.
Cookies can be very harmful.
I'll tell you what. We'll go to the gym on December 26th and we burn it off. What do you say?
It's not just the calories, mom.
There's also long term effects of over exposure to sugar.
Which can change your insulin sensitivity and you could get diabetes.
I don't think we're in any real danger of that.
We'll may be not. But it can also cause
tooth decay, anxiety, depressed feeling after you crash from a sugar high.
No, thank you.
Kassandra, come on. He's doing it.
Gotta go, Mom. Brandon is gonna prove that Santa Claus is real.
Have fun.
Here's part one of my experiments to prove that Santa Claus is real.
I want you guys to wait out here and witness me go in to the house.
Everyone else is already inside.
What's that for?
In case I get I get stuck in the chimney, my brothers can pull me out.
Ah, smart.
Here we go.
What's that for?
Brandon tied around his waist, so if he gets stuck we can pull him down.
Ah, smart.
Brandon's no dummy.
Come on Brandon. You can do it.
Ah, I'm stuck.
Help, help.
I'm stuck. Help.
Ready, pull.
[SCREAMS]
Cookies.
Cookies are ready.
What about Brandon? If we don't get there fast they'll eat them all.
Well, cookies.
Hmm... Where is Brandon?
Kids, have you seen your cousin Brandon?
[SCREAMS]
Brandon!
[SIREN WAILING]
[HORN TOOTING]
I hope you guys are happy, You could've killed Brandon.
Go inside, all of you.
And no cookies!
Well, I see your children misbehaving again.
He's just a boy, Wesley.
A halfwit boy, who's gonna grow up to be a halfwit man.
A lump of coal and a good spanking.
That's what you get for Christmas, if I were your father.
I'll be doing you a favor too, boy.
Basement, shower, go.
And don't touch anything on your way down.
Dave!
Have you seen Dave?
Think he's around here somewhere.
Oh, Mr. Madison, your shoes.
Just a little coffee please.
Dave!
[SIGHS]
Dave.
- What's going on? - What are you doing?
I cut a hole on the floor, so I could go ace fishing.
What does it look like I'm doing?
- I'm taking a nap. - Why?
Because I'm tired, Sandy.
What do you have to be tired about?
I spent all morning cooking.
I've been following your father with his melting shoes around the house, with a mop.
And I just helped the fire department fish Brandon out of the chimney.
Chimney?
Now I need you to shovel the drive way.
- Why? - 'Cause there's snow on it,
- David. - And?
And everybody has parked out on the street.
And we have a perfectly big driveway.
And if you just shoveled, then everybody can put in to the drive way.
Why do you care of people who've parked in the street or the driveway.
Get out of that bed!
Fine!
[BREATHING]
Hey!
Hey, how much for the driveway?
50 bucks.
Ah, come on that's a little...
- Alright. - you want the walk down too.
Oh yeah, the walk, the porch, the driveway,
- The whole thing. - 60.
Ah, come on.
- Come on, boys, lets go. - All right. 60 bucks.
All right, get to work, come on, go. Here.
Oh, you know what?
My neighbor's pushing 80. So do his for me, too.
- Okay. - I mean, hey.
It's the big guys birthday right?
What is it?
Christmas.
Oh, merry Christmas.
This one and the one next door, okay.
Okay.
Oh, hey, don't ring the bell when you're done.
I'll be watching and I'll come out.
Okay.
Hey, come on smackers, get your back into it.
Go ahead and throw a whole showelful on your brother.
You need three quarters of sugar and little ginger.
No, you need to get half a cup of brown sugar
and a dash, not a pinch, a dash of cinnamon.
Attention.
Attention!
In five minutes we'll finally be done baking cookies for the year.
Psst.
Hey, what are doing, buddy?
- Hey! - Shut up.
[WHISPERING] I need your room.
My room, What for?
Stop asking questions.
Just keep Carol busy, for about an hour. So that I can take a nap.
No, no.
Sounds like, we'll get in trouble.
Yeah, What's in it for us?
How about a free home, free food, and using my big screen T.V.?
- No, I already got that. - Yeah.
Fine. Christmas dinner, you can have the turkey legs.
It's my house, but you can have the dumbsticks.
- Deal. - Oh, we'll cover you.
- All right. - We'll go right now.
- Is it hot? - Hey, don't touch it.
- What are you doing? - I'm starving.
- Daryl, get out. - Matt, not now.
No, no!
- Matt, take it off. - I 'm hungry.
Hey! Wait, that's for christmas dinner.
I said go!
I just never seen you in the kitchen.
- Get out of here. - Go away.
- I don't... - Just go!
[SIGHS]
It can't be done. You have to have a super human stomach.
Of course I can. What about that little Chinese guy who ate all the hot dogs.
That's true. My dad and me saw it on T.V.
He ate 68 hot dogs in only ten minutes.
Yeah see, that's just in ten minutes.
Santa has all night to eat cookies.
That's it. That's the last batch.
We're finally and officially done baking cookies.
Yeah.
Well, even if he ate one cookie at every house, so it's still be like
thousands of cookies.
Okay. I'll prove it to you.
Bring me all the cookies in the house, and a big glass of milk.
[SLURPING]
Ooh, it must be good.
[SIGHS]
- Driveways all shoveled. - Thank you, dear.
[KISSES]
Okay everybody, cars in the driveway please.
Matt, Daryl, come on move it. Hey Ben, hear me over there.
Let's go, cars in the driveway please.
Mr. Madison, would you like me to move your car for you?
I'll drive my own darn car.
Hey guys.
Okay, that's a $120 I owe you.
Oh, I see, it's $60 for this house. $60 for your house. That's ah...
You have a pen and a piece of paper?
No, I don't. But it's a 120.
Or you just give me $60 twice.
I could, that's true.
But I'd rather not write two cheques.
No, cheques.
- Excuse me. - Cash only.
I don't have a $120 in cash on me.
You got $60, twice?
Look, we're not gypsies.
Our house isn't going anywhere.
I'm not gonna write you a bad cheque.
Cash only.
You gonna have to go to one of those ATMs.
Look, my car is in the garage. I'm backed in.
- Okay. - Thank you.
We'll take my car. Come on boys, let's go.
Move it.
All right kids, load it up we're going to the bank.
[CAR DOOR CREAKING]
[REVS]
Ah, you go to college?
University of Michigan.
Waste of time. They don't teach you anything but socialism there.
- I'm Earl. - Dave.
Hey Dave, you look like a real smart fellow.
Well, I appreciate that.
EARL: I might just have an opportunity for you to make some real money.
My half brother, he's also my cousin, he's into that multi level marketing.
I'd like to get the two of you guys together.
In a room, together.
[FOLK MUSIC PLAYING]
How does this thing work? I always go inside.
You put in your pin.
Pin? I don't know my pin.
You just type it in.
I don't know what it is.
Why don't you call your wife.
There's no way I could possibly explain this.
Look, will you just take a cheque.
I can't take a cheque.
I'll tell you what. Me and the boys here, we need some groceries.
Why don't we hop back in the van, and go shopping.
You can pay for it.
[SIGHS] Fine.
Okay. Come on boys.
Come on.
Where are you going?
Grocery store.
Grocery store's over there.
Yeah I'd like the ninth bridge market.
Where is that?
Across town. Wouldn't take more than 20-25 minutes.
Oh, good.
Brandon!
- [COUGHS] - What happened to him?
Well, somebody knows, speak.
[HUMMING]
Want to eat hot dogs, they all beef?
I don't know. I don't work here.
How much long are we going to be here?
We're gonna be here till we're done shopping.
I want you to go around, get something to eat. Go.
I'm wondering if these are all beef.
You know, this place used to be beer a and bake shop.
Now it's all fancy nancy pancy.
May be we should go back to the store you were talking about.
We're not going to another market, Earl.
You wanted to come here. We're here.
All right. You mind pushing?
What in the world is a Swedish fish?
You made any plans for Christmas day?
Earl, your kids are eating candies and drinking soda.
- Yeah, I know, I'd suppose I oughta feel guilty - Or may be stop them?
It's christmas!
They wanna get a half tub of sugar one time a year.
It's okay, you want them to bring you a chocolate?
No, thank you.
- Soda? - Am all set, Earl!
I think we're at the 120.
None for me either, I'm on the Atkins diet now.
All protein, David.
137 dollars and 28 cents.
What? You got $17.
- We'll just call it gas money. - Gas money?
What? I drove.
Hey, do you know those hot dogs are all beef?
Don't answer that question. Just put it in the bag, we'll take 'em.
Thank you.
There you go.
Here you go 137 and 28 cents.
[LAUGHS]
[SIREN WAILING]
SANDY: Where have you been?
I was just...
Brandon ate all the cookies. Six batches, every single one of them
Six batches?
Yeah, they just took him to the hospital. Carol went with him.
You know I was yelling for you, Dave! Dave!
But of course, you were nowhere to be found.
- Well, I was just... - Well, you were what?
I was just shoveling Mr. Nicolas' driveway.
He's almost 80.
It's the holiday.
- Oh, honey. Sweetie - So I figured why not help him.
It is so nice of you.
Oh honey, I'm sorry.
I'm gonna have to make some more cookies, now.
Oh, you know what. Here's the list of ingredients
I'm gonna need you to go to the ninth bridge market for me. Thanks.
- Ah, merry Christmas. - Merry Christmas.
Oh, you got me. Pour your quiet. Don't let Mrs. Claus find out about this.
Now, where were we. Oh, Yes, yes.
Between them, the rock for fire department having to rescue Brandon from the chimney.
And Dave being dragged all over town by Earl.
Well, Madison family's quite a day.
Let's see what kind of mischief they get in to on the 23rd. Shall we?
I'll now prove to you that it is possible
given enough speed and reindeer power to make a sledge fly.
Dave, are you watching the kids?
Dave's fixing the toilet.
[DOG BARKING]
Hike, Come on hike, go, go, go.
[SCREAMS]
[KIDS CHEERING]
Oh, my God.
[SIREN WAILING]
Oh, my gosh. Brandon.
Thank you.
Hey, what are you doing?
Dave.
Why are you in my kitchen?
Your kitchen? This is my house.
Dave, no, that food is for dinner.
- Dave, we're busy. - Which of this food is for lunch?
It's your lunch Dave.
What is this, you all are preparing, am I supposed to fast till sun down?
Get out of the kitchen. You are making a mess.
- Go! - It's for everyone, Dave. Sorry
Dad, I'm going out for some lunch. You wanna come?
No, the girls fixed me a little soup.
What? You made dad soup?
Stay out of the kitchen, Dave.
Fine!
Hey, uncle Dave, got him.
[GRUNTS]
Give me some.
- You better run. - Yeah.
- Grandpa Madison? - Oh, hi Kassandra.
Grand pa Madison. Do you believe in Santa?
Of course I do.
What about for bad children?
Let me tell you a little secret, Kassandra. There are no bad children.
What if I mailed this letter to Santa today?
Do you think he'd get it on time?
No, I don't think he would.
Oh, okay, thanks, grandpa.
However, if you gave me the letter,
I might be able to give it to him personally.
You see, when you live as long as I have.
You know a awful lot of important people.
- Really? - Yeah.
- Thanks grand pa. - All right.
All right, you two, up, out of here, get you cars, you got me parked in.
Where you going Mr. Madison?
To a place where people mind their own darn business.
I think we're okay here, dad. I mean we got the T.V on.
We got snacks and we're wearing slippers.
All right, long hair fat boy, out of here.
Mr. Madison, my car is at the end of the driveway.
Why don't you borrow mine.
I'm not driving any little foreign pansy car. I drive a Cadillac like a real man.
All right, this conversation is over. Out of here.
Yeah.
Don't.
"Dear Santa, all I want for Christmas and my birthday this year is a dog.
"Well, I would also like peace on earth and good health to all my family.
"Including grandpa Madison, who is old,
"and my grandma, who I loved, died.
"But I also really want a dog.
"I don't even care what kind.
"I'd be nice to it, and take it on lots of walks.
"I promise. I don't even need anyother toys or anything.
"Love, Kassandra.
"PS, I have been very good this year."
[LAUGHS]
Okay. Okay, Kassandra.
[CHINESE FOLK MUSIC PLAYING]
[CROWD CHATTERING]
[DOOR CREAKING]
Jesus, it's like an whole Carolan here.
Yup, I'm in line for 45 minutes.
What you're gonna do? It's Christmas, and it's the only place open.
[COUGHS]
- How many you party? - One.
No, one, sorry. You come back new year.
- Excuse me? - It's too busy,
we have four people per table.
Well, there's a little piece of information, I could have used about an hour ago.
- Next please. - No, next please.
I want a table.
- We'll sit with you. - Yeah, me and Fred here.
Fred's my man.
We'll all sit together, it'll be fun.
Come on.
Okay.
Oops. Little nip?
No, I don't. Thank you both.
Fred and I just met on Tuesday.
Okay.
Yeah, we're living together.
All right.
So what do you think about that?
Well, it's truly none of my...
Look, you two are adults, you do what you like.
Come on. Stop being so shy.
He's so shy.
Well, okay.
You say that you're living together.
What do you mean? You're living together in the same house?
Or do you mean, you're living together in the same room.
Bed, etcetera.
Hey, you know what? Shame on you.
Excuse me.
Yeah, it's not something you ask a lady at the dinner table.
You know, may we should not talk about any of this.
You know what. May be we should. Why don't you guys discuss it all evening.
So that I can finish my plate of food. You know what? My night's ruined. Thanks.
[SIGHS]
You know.
Just between you and me. I'm really glad you're here to see that.
'Cause I think he's way more into me than I'm into him.
[CLEARING THROAT]
He's just threatened by you.
[CLEARING THROAT] Guys.
I feel like, I owe you guys an apology.
I've had a lot on my mind.
- No, Fred, don't. - No, it's okay, honey.
We're family, and I want you to know this.
Look man, my buddy in the war, he...
He got bird flu.
It's messing me up man.
It's messing me up.
- Oh, separate cheques please. - No separate cheque.
Hey, I'm gonna pay for her.
Fine, whatever.
You know what hon, it's on us.
It was our pleasure.
You're so sweet. Isn't he just the sweetest.
Okay then, my lunch was 5.99.
Here's 20, just give me 10 back and I'll be on my way.
Don't worry about that man, like I said. I got her covered.
However, the two of you divided is between the two of you. Just give me 10 back.
Ah, let's see.
You know what, here. There you go.
What is this?
This is like two, three dollars.
Don't worry about it. I don't need any change.
It's not enough Fred.
Hey, what are you doing. No, I ate. Put your purse away.
Woman you're embarrassing me.
I told you. We got this.
[BELL DINGING]
Hi, Santa.
Merry Christmas. Oh, thank you.
[LAUGHING] Mr. Madison, merry Christmas sir.
- Do I know you? - I know you.
I know you since you were a little boy.
You don't know jack.
I see you while you're sleeping.
What are you after all, a fat lip.
- Isle seven. - What's that?
What you're looking for. From the letter.
Don't get one of those small ones. The ankle biters, she doesn't want that.
How do you know what...
- Isle seven? - Isle seven.
- You know, okay, merry... - Merry Christmas to you, sir.
Yeah, sure.
[KNOCKING AT THE DOOR]
Kassandra, get dressed please.
I'm dressed. I'm not naked mom.
Stop reading and put on the dress and tights that are laid out for you.
- What for? - Your father's office holiday party.
- No, no, no mom. - Kassandra, don't start.
But I was supposed to go to the dog park today.
Well, you can go to the dog park another time. I need you to get ready.
I hate those office parties.
It's not that bad.
Yeah but that weired old guy who talks to me about that stock profile.
Mr. Summers talks to everybody about his stock.
You won't be such an easy target if you just get up out of that chair.
Why don't you ever play with the other kids.
Because Kyle is just gonna spill food on me again. I just know it.
Honey, it's not that likely, it's gonna happen, two years in a row.
Promise me, dad won't sing again.
* On the sixth day of Christmas *
* My true love came to me *
Kim.
I don't know.
Come on, just say the first thing that comes to your mind.
Kim, Kim, Kim.
Tim Martini!
Six cherry martinis, five my grind workers,
That are ready to replace all us lazy bugs.
Thanks boss.
I can only dream.
[LAUGHING]
Four exotic dancers.
Woo...
Three jumbo loans that are ready to close.
'Cause he's taking us on the spot.
Two French kisses.
Woo...
One more French kiss.
Get back over here!
Two French kisses that had to be from my wife.
Everyone.
And the female undergone
in a pear tree
Merry Christmas.
[CHEERING]
Try it's shorter but the market goes up.
You can win. Some people say buy the blue chips.
But who knows.
I prefer the Tax docs, NASDAQ.
Long term options. That's the way to go.
Make money if you're buying. You make money if you're selling.
Most people hold on and stay on the stock market like I do.
But was I been a winner.
No, of course not.
Sometimes you take a hit.
[CHATTERING]
[CHILDREN SCREAMING]
DAVID: * Ten bottles of Jack. Nine ladies dancing *
* Eight maids milking my big... *
SANDY: David!
- What? I was just gonna say... - Well you dont have to keep repeating it!
* Seven *
I think it's enough with the singing today.
Aah.
[SIGHS]
That is great.
My lower back is killing me.
Ooh um...
Doing one half is okay.
But doing Mr. Nicolas is two.
That really put my back out.
Well, it's such a nice thing to do.
Now you just lay still, and let me take care of you.
- Hey! - What?
May be, later, we could...
Umm... May be we could.
[GIGGLES]
[KNOCKING AT DOOR]
Who? It's almost 10'O clock.
Hang on, I'll be right back.
- Hurry up - Okay. I will.
Hello.
Well, hi, Dave left his gloves in my car yesterday. So.
Thank you.
I'm sorry, do I know you?
No, no, no. Dave hired me
to shovel out your driveway and your neighbors driveway yesterday.
Oh, really?
David!
Hi, David.
Hey buddy, yeah you left your gloves in my car yesterday.
Merry Christmas.
Merry Christmas, Earl.
Couch!
The couch is gonna hurt my back.
Good.
It's the morning of the 24th of December. It's a big day.
So just sit back, enjoy the story.
I got a few more hours of bell ringing and I have a lot of work to do.
[LAUGHS]
Dave.
Huh.
Dave, I need you.
What?
Dave.
Oh, you are not normally a morning type of girl.
That's okay. Let's roll with this, I'm game.
No, not that, Dave.
Kassandra and I have some last minute shopping to do.
We need you to drive, so you can drop us off to the door
So you can go around forever for parking spot.
We gonna need your help carrying things too. So come on, let's go. Out of the bed.
[BELL DINGING]
Merry Christmas to you too.
- Hi. - Merry Christmas.
Merry Christmas. I'm just waiting for the wife and kid.
I know how that goes. My wife volunteered me for this.
Oh yeah?
This is Claus. Big into charity
I know how that goes.
How's business?
Mostly pretty good.
And it's fun. You get the bell. You get the hat. The whole nine yards.
And the kids like you. That's a plus.
Your kid doesn't like you?
She loves me.
But right now she doesn't like me.
She wants a dog.
Aah.
You and her mother don't.
So I have to be the one to say no.
You know how that goes?
Yes, I do.
I used to be so fun loving.
I don't feel old.
When did I become the guy that has to say no.
[LAUGHS] Well.
When you were a boy, you wanted toys.
But that came with a little responsibility. You know,
pick up after yourself, that sort of thing.
As you got older, you wanted a child.
Bigger reward, but a lot more responsibility.
Sounds like you speak from experience.
You've kids?
Yeah, you could say that.
This time of the year pal boy my responsibility is I tell you
Holidays can be rough.
Yes, they can.
I'm Dave.
Chris.
That's your real name?
As long as I can remember.
Don't tell me your last name is Gringo.
Okay, I won't.
It's cold.
Well, I'm a fat guy.
That's gotta help.
Hey, you want me to get you a coffee or something. I'm not going anywhere.
Oh, no. thank you though.
Well, if you need anything just let me know.
Thank you. I appreciate that.
Actually, I could use a bathroom.
[BELL DINGING]
Ho Ho Ho! Merry Christmas.
Dave.
Ho ho ho!
What are you doing?
Santa has to go to the bathroom.
Dad, you're weird.
Ho ho ho Merry Christmas everyone.
Ho ho ho.
Merry Christmas.
Dave!
Dave, it's me Suzanna.
From the Japan restaurant.
Oh, hi.
And you'll never guess who's here. Fred!
Fred, get your behind out of the car man, it's Dave.
He's been talking and talking about you.
I'm so glad he met a real friend.
Those other guys use to hang out with the other losers.
Yeah, bro. We're trying to call you man.
I don't remember giving you my number
You didn't, and it honestly it's made a little difficult.
You know how many Daves are there in the phone book?
I got like a hundred of them but I passed out.
He did. He was just trying to call you like a 100 times.
Can I please, I literally just said that.
Okay all right. I'm gonna let you boys catch up, I'm heading inside.
She's great isn't she?
She's always going on and on. But how are you man?
I've got some friends. We got a bowling league.
There's a waiting list, but I talked to them and got you in.
I mean you weren't on right away, I had to talk to them. But you're on it.
Great, thanks.
Hey, what are you doing tomorrow?
Tomorrow is a Christmas day for a dad. I may be busy.
You wanna go hunting? I got a bunch of guns in the truck right now. You wanna see 'em.
No, not now.
I'm serious. There's like this petting zoo, just south of grand rapids
Nobody's there right now. We can bag 'em and tag 'em.
Well, that sounds great Fred.
But tomorrow is Christmas day and I think I have plans.
I'll check with the wife.
Thank you. Merry Christmas.
People just come up and give you money?
Yeah.
In the street.
I made it a bit forward but I'm a little low on cash for the holidays and all.
Think you can help out.
[SIGHS]
Warm in here, isn't it?
I want fresh air.
[BREATHES]
[GRUNTS]
What the bowling is this?
Hey.
You bunch of little delinquents.
Hey kids, do whatever you wanna do.
Merry Christmas.
Hi, you too.
Merry Christmas.
Look out.
It's so cold. Cold it is.
So, which ones yours?
You see the little white one over there.
It's my girl friend's and mine.
She wanted a small dog.
I wanted a big dog.
So we compromised and got a small dog.
Compromise? Yeah.
When you get married, there are lot more compromises to come.
So anyway which dog is yours?
I don't have a dog.
But it's all I want though. I don't care about any other gifts
I either want it for my birthday or Christmas.
You know, a dog could be a lot of work.
You're a lot of work.
That's what my mom says.
But I'll do it all by my self.
I'd walk it, I feed it,
I'll let it out, I'll take it to the dog park.
And I'll hold it's power back to vet.
I hope you get your wish this year.
Me too.
All right guys, I'm freezing. I'm out of here.
Lovie, come here.
Lovie. My girl friend named her, obviously.
[LAUGHS] Obviously.
Come here, come here girl.
Can I ask you a favor?
If you get near her. She knows her name.
- If you just call it. - Who me?
I can't go with the crutches.
All you gotta do is just get near her
just call her name, and she'll come to you.
Okay, well.
I'm sorry. But...
Alright. I'll give it a shot.
Thanks. I appreciate it.
Thanks, just get near her and say her name. Lovie.
Come on dog.
Slow...
Don't chase her. If you chase her. She is gonna run.
[GASPS]
Yeah, that's the boy.
Nice back up.
Come here.
Bloody dog, come on!
Calm.
Yes, you are a real sized dog.
Now, lady don't.
Lady if you throw the ball. It's gonna chase the ball.
Uncle Ben, watch out!
Aah.
20 bucks if uncle Ben falls first.
Uncle Daryl, is going down.
[SPLATTERING]
Dave, we just want to thank you for inviting me and my family, to join you for Christmas.
I wouldn't have it any other way Matt.
Me too, Dave.
From me and the whole McCormick family.
Merry Christmas.
Here's to my son, man of the house.
Takes a lot of work to have everybody in.
He never complained. Thank you.
Everyone, thank you.
- Let's eat - Here.
Boy o boy, it hit the spot.
Anybody gave me a belt for Christmas.
Who's ready for presents?
Ah, come on Dave, really?
I think we need a little nap before we can do that.
Come on let's go.
[SIGHS]
Santa can't deliver all those presents in one night.
Do you know, how many houses there are all over the world?
Okay. If I can deliver the presents to every house in this block in 60 seconds or less.
That'll prove that it's possible.
I don't think that it does.
Sure it does.
Three, two, one. Go.
Go, go, go...
Go, go, go...Go, go, go...
[GLASS SHATTERING]
You son of a...
That's it. That is it.
I've had enough.
Probably Daryl, takes a little margarita and...
Tell know what, how can you have the same mark every time, if we don't check.
Yeah, still putting names on things.
- We're having some drink... - Oh, wow.
Aah, that hit the spot.
Let's open presents.
Honey! You're ready to open presents?
Almost.
Quit stalling there, let's go.
Kids! Presents!
You have sponge?
I have sponge.
I just took it.
You know I'm not gonna use.
[FAMILY CHATTERING]
David!
David Madison, get out.
I'll be right back.
Wesley? Merry Christmas.
Pull up your youths, you Yankee coward.
Aw ah!
You think you Brits, not to mess with America. Jesus.
[SLAMMING THE DOOR]
[FAMILY CHATTERING]
Oh, thanks dear.
Aw, look. Oven mitts.
I didn't know what to get her.
Thanks dear.
Ben, what is that?
It's calabrone, fantastic wine, you guys want me to get you some?
Ooh, no thank you, I just don't allow beverages in the living room.
I won't spill, so.
Oh well, it's just the rule.
Sort of a house rule.
Are you sure? I'm very good with beverage management Sandy.
Did you sew this yourself?
- I did. - Thank you so much.
You're welcome.
I picked up the fabric.
Thank you.[LAUGHS]
So pretty.
Don't ever do that again.
[GIFTS UNWRAPPING]
It's for you aunt Carol.
Thank you, honey. It's...
'Cause it's Christmas and your birthday.
Yeah.
And you're 50.
Yeah.
It's a sign for the yard. I'm gonna go put it.
It's okay sweetie. We can do it late. Ooh.
And you're 50.
[LAUGHS]
Cut it out, dad.
[UNWRAPPING]
Honestly? Is this really necessary?
I know it's my birthday.
And you're 50.
I've heard.
Okay, I'm opening. Whose it from anyway?
We, uncle Matt.
Oh, thanks sweetie.
And it's a tie.
Thank you.
Let's see it.
Yeah, no. That's all right.
Let's see.
Do you like it, dad?
- Try it on. - What?
Go on.
You know I'm already wearing Try it on Matt.
All right. Let's take a roll.
[FAMILY CHATTERING]
[LAUGHING]
Let's give him a suplex.
ALL: Go, go, go.
And that, Ben, is why we have a no beverages in the living room policy.
I'm just standing here.
And now there's wine on my carpet.
May be you should have a no full contact wrestling in the living room policy.
Looks like a little wine on you there partner.
Yeah, little wine.
That's why it's good to have two ties. That's gonna stain.
All right kids, that's it. Let's throw it up.
Everybody to bed. Let's go, yeah.
Yeah.
Okay let's get the drinks. Yes, all right.
Let's go, cat poke.
[LAUGHS]
"Twas the night before Christmas, when all through the house.
"Not a creature was stirring, not even a mouse
"The stockings were hung by the chimney with care,
"In hopes that St. Nicholas soon would be there.
"The children were nestled all snug in their little beds,
"While visions of sugar-plums danced in their wee little heads.
"And mama in her 'kerchief, and I in my cap,
"Had just settled our brains for a long winter's nap.
"When out on the lawn there arose such a clatter
"I sprang from my bed to see what was the matter
"Away to the window I flew like a flash.
"Tore open the shutters
"And threw up the sash
"The moon on the breast of the new-fallen snow
"Gave a lustre of midday to objects below
"When what to my wondering eyes should appear
"But a miniature sleigh and eight tiny rein-deer
"With a little old driver so lively and quick,
"I knew in a moment he must be St. Nick
"and whistled and shouted and called is your suspense.
"Happy Christmas to all, and to all a good night."
You skipped some, grandpa.
Well, you got the gist of it.
Well, grandpa loves you all. Good night.
Hey, we're going to bed.
Good night.
I'm going out for little walk.
Wake up.
He's here, he's really here.
I knew it. I knew Santa Claus is real.
It's true and tomorrow I'm gonna get a puppy for Christmas.
I'm gonna get puppy for Christmas.
On dancer, on pancer, that's the way Richard Nixon,
NFL bilston and however the heck it goes.
All led by a drunk reindeer with a big red nose.
You're taking up all the space.
I need a spot for my kid too, you know.
- What about there? - Yeah.
What? Under the kitchen table?
Sure.
Yeah
You're trying to invent a new holiday, Matt?
Santa is not bringing presents to Kassandra, under the table.
We're all set up. We were here first.
You're like Columbus talking to the Indians.
This is my home.
Now, I'm gonna go out to the trunk, I'm gonna get Santa's presents,
And when I come back
There's gonna be a nice big space under that tree.
Okay?
Broken reindeer with the big red nose. [LAUGHING]
What a nice table.
Yeah.
Took care of it right up.
We could just play one quick game.
- All right. - I'm first.
- Yeah! - oh!
Another Christmas down, another family Christmas through the hole.
[SHOUTING]
She is my sister.
She's also cool.
[SHOUTING] [LAUGHING]
Beware.
No. No.
Pick it up.
Okay, I said, mercy.
Said it.
Come on, come on. You can do it.
One more, okay.
One more, you can do it.
[LAUGHING]
Okay, one more, Ben.
Shovel, Ben. Chew.
Wait for it.
There it is Ben.
[SCREAMING]
* Jingle all the way *
* Oh what fun It is to ride *
* In a one horse Open sleigh, hey! *
- It is fun. - Yeah.
Wait I'll give it.
* Bells on bob tail ring Making spirits bright *
* What fun it is To laugh and sing *
* A sleighing song tonight, aah *
* Jingle bells, jingle bells *
[shushing]
Oh, they'll wake up and they'll come down.
Make no sound, the Santa is coming.
That's right.
You know, I spend a lot time asking people what they like for Christmas.
May be I could tell you what I would like.
Spend a little less on presents
and give a little more to charity.
Be kind to one another 'cause it's what Christmas is all about.
Now, here it is folks.
The main event, live from Rockford, Michigan.
It's Christmas morning.
[LAUGHS]
Ho ho ho!
Guys, wake up, wake up. Presents! It's time for presents!
Wake up.
[CHILDREN CHATTERING]
They're up.
Come on, cow poke, lets go.
Couple more hours.
You're not missing Christmas morning.
There's a camcorder in the closet.
Video tape it.
David, up.
Coffee.
Matt, can you make a fire, please.
Matt.
Jeez, what?
Make a fire please.
Okay.
Now, Matt.
Hey.
All right, move up.
You too. Get something to eat.
I'll get the fire on you.
Seven degrees in here.
[SCREAMS]
Mr. Madison.
Dad.
I'm in the chimney.
Sandy, call 911.
Save my rear end off.
Mr. Madison, what are you doing up there?
Get me the hell out of here.
Then we can play plenty of questions with my idiot son in law.
[SIREN WAILING]
SANTA: That grandpa is quite a character, isn't he?
Ho ho ho, as long as I can remember, he's been one of my favorites.
Oh, he's gone a little gruff in his old age. But he loves his family.
That's what's important.
Just all kinds of stuff. Just clutter.
The gifts are too big, and nobody really needs them.
What can I say, I like the gifts though.
- Matt. - Yeah, sure, hon.
Now look, I've put everybody's name in the hat.
Just draw a name and that's the person you buy gifts next year.
I's Christmas day, Carol.
Do we really need to worry about it now?
Where else will be together if we don't talk about it now.
You'll never get done. Daryl, you get to go first.
I get my name, Daryl McCormick.
There you go, you can buy yourself some orange soda.
Put your name on it.
Or oven mitts.
You feeling better, grandpa?
Aha. What? Me? Sure, sure.
Takes a lot more than that to knock you grandpa off his game.
How do you do this year? You were good?
Okay, I guess.
Okay, you guess.
I don't wanna complain.
You didn't get everything you wanted.
Well, may be next year.
- No. - No!
I was really good this year. Really, I was.
And that's all wanted.
And if Santa Claus didn't bring me a dog this year,
why would he next year?
Or may be your parents for your birthday.
They never will.
I just thought, if I was good enough
and if I wanted it bad.
Well, I'm sorry, I did the best I could.
I still love you, grandpa.
What was that? What?
That noise.
I don't hear anything.
From the basement there, whining, barking sound.
A puppy! I got a puppy! I don't believe this.
Dad, what's going on?
- I don't believe this. - What's the big deal?
You can't just buy her a dog without our permission.
Unbelievable.
GRANDPA: You had a dog when you were a kid.
Every kid should have a dog.
Do you even know what kind it is?
It's a village... I don't know.
I told the guy to get a big dog, you don't want those little rat dogs.
This is a major family decision, Dad.
A dog is a lot of work.
Nonsense, you always over dramatize everything.
[DOG BARKING]
No, don't let him up that knee, it's bad.
Get up there!
Down, down.
Get off there!
SANDRA: David, do something!
DAVID: I got him.
[GLASS SHATTERING]
SANDRA: Oh, my china.
SANTA: So, there you have it.
The Madisons got a dog for Christmas.
David and Sandy may not have wanted him at first, but,
throughout the years, that dog brought a lot of love
into the Madison home.
[LAUGHS]
Dave swore that he would never have any of his or Sandy's family over ever again.
Well, you know Dave, next year he was excited as ever.
It wasn't always easy.
One year, Dave got kicked while trying to set up a live reindeer display at the front yard.
Then there was the time he nearly froze to death,
while trying to prove to Sandy that the ice was thick enough for skating.
Well, overtime,
we gained a few new Madisons and well, we lost an older one.
But the family and their loving dog always stayed together.
From all of us here from Rockford Michigan,
Merry Christmas, and to all a goodnight.